Mason's Story-The Aftermath Part 1

I am going to continue with Mason's Story. Mainly because my journey did not end with his death. There was still a funeral to plan, and healing to be had. There is still healing to be had. I have found that by writing this blog and hearing others say it helped them through their loss has proved to be great therapy.

Mason Landon Shaw was born and died on November 19th 2007. We had one hour and 45 minutes with him before his heart stopped beating. How do fit a lifetime of love into one hour and 45 minutes? When his heart stopped beating, the nurses took him away and the greatest loneliness and pain I have ever felt in my life set in. As I lay in the hospital bed that night it felt so overwhelming, and so unreal at the same time. When morning came I begged them to release me. They were not ready to, but I couldn't stay on the maternity ward any longer. Every baby cry felt like it made the hole in my heart even bigger.

I came home, but could not rest. I had to be at the funeral home in a few hours to plan my baby's funeral. My grandparents offered to pay for the funeral. I was so relieved. We had not planned on having to pay for a funeral. We got to the funeral home and sat there not knowing what to expect. My parents. grandparents, and pastor were there as well. The director said that my pastor did not want payment for his services and I remember feeling relief. The director said we needed to pick out a casket. She brought out a catalog full of little tiny caskets. I don't know how I did it, it seemed like someone else had taken over my body and was guiding me. We picked out a small opal white casket called The Loved and Cherished casket. As a comfort to the family it came with a small teddy bear that has a tag around it's neck that said "Loved and Cherished". I still have it to this day. It is in a memory box that we have for Mason. A man from our church made it for us and it is beautiful.

I was asked if I had any bible verses in mind to be used for the funeral. My mind was not working properly, but the story of David in 2 Samual kept popping into my head. You see God was to take David's first born as punishment for his sin with Bathsheba. When his son lay dying, David fasted and wept and pleaded with God for the life of his child. This hit so close to home. So many people prayed and pleaded with God for the life of Mason. We prayed for a miracle for seven days and David prayed for seven days. When the child died, David did something they thought odd. He got up, bathed, changed his clothes, went to worship and he ate. The servants were baffled. He worshipped because he knew his son was in Heaven. Grief is not the end of living. He knew he had the promise that he would be reunited with his son again. Death is a defeated enemy. This hit so close to home. There is a song that meant so much to me during this time. At first it was because the lyrics reminded me of our situation, later in the story you will see it is because it taught me how to heal. I am posting the lyrics here.

Praise You In This Storm-Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

and wiped our tears away..

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again,

I say Amen,

and it's still raining.

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear

you whisper through the rain....

I am with you.

And as your mercy flows

I raise my head and praise the God who gives,

......and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands.

That you are who you are,

no matter where I am.

And every tear I cry,

you hold in your hand.

You never left my side,

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when,

I stumbled in the wind.

You heard my crying,

and raised me up again.

But my strength is almost gone,

how can I carry on

If I can't find you?

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear
you whisper through the rain....
I am with you.

And as your mercy flows
I raise my head and praise the God who gives,
......and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands.
That you are who you are,
no matter where I am.
And every tear I cry,
you hold in your hand.
You never left my side,
and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

Typing the lyrics do not do the song justice. If you want to experiance the full power of the song I would encourage you to look it up on Youtube.

We then went to the cemetary to pick out a plot for Mason. There is a cemetary in a nearby city that offers free plots for babies, but we couldn't stand to have him that far away. I know it sounds crazy because it is just his body, not his soul, but you have to realize that this was all I got to do for him as his mother and I just wanted him near me. We found a plot in our town. It is right along the fence line so we can drive by and see it from the road. My grandparents loaned us the money and we purchased plots for Jake and I right next to his. We did not purchase plots for James and Linda because they will be married and it will be their spouses choice where they are buried. I had never imagined holding the deed to my own cemetary plot at 26 years old. At this point I am exhausted. I was still losing a lot of blood and had just given birth less than 24 hours ago. Percacet is the only thing keeping me going at this point. My mother offered to take care of the flowers and I gratefully let her. I went home to rest in Jake's arms and with the painpills I let sleep overtake me.

I will contimue this story in later posts. For now I am going to post a picture of Mason. I am kind of hesitant to do this because he is so beautiful to me, but for others, he does not look like a normal baby. You need to keep in mind that he was 18 weeks early. His eyes were not opened yet and he weighed only about a pound. He is bruised from his breech birth, but still he is my son and beautiful in my eyes. The teddy bear he is holding was less that two inches tall if that gives you any idea of his size. The NICU gave it to us. The outfit he is wearing was also given to us by the NICU as it was the only thing we had that could fit him. Even doll clothes were too large for his tiny frame. He was just so little.

Mason Landon Shaw