Totally Tubular!

Several months ago we were given a set of tents that connects together with tubes to crawl through. Jake decided to get it out and see if the babies would be interested in playing with it. It was a huge hit, although I think Jake had more fun than they did. It made for some really cute pictures though.

Daddy Chasing Noah




Daddy Showing Mina How to go Through





Where's Daddy?...There He Is!



Call the Plumber, Daddy is Stuck In My Tube!!




Tent City Under Construction





In and Out and In and Out and In....

Don't Send Your Kids To School Sick!

Oh, this irritates me! Parents that send their kids to school sick so that they infect other kids, who bring it home and infect their families. Come on! Four out of the six members of my family have Strep Throat now. Poor Jamie is the worst. He has barely eaten in four days and today wouldn't get out of bed until close to three. I hope he gets better soon. Jake wanted to take him to see Avatar this weekend. Jake has already seen it twice, but taking Jamie is an excuse to see it again for him. I liked the 3-D stuff, but I thought the movie was way too long. I was ready to go after like an hour and a half. But, Sci-fi is not my thing. Maybe Shrek in 3-D will be better.

Jamie missed the whole short week of school and both him and Linda missed their Valentine's Day parties on Wednesday. We had parent teacher conferences Tuesday night and Jamie's teacher said 8 kids were out with Strep. Jamie is doing very well in school. He is reading very, very well and his Math scores are good. His writing is really the only thing that needs improving, mostly because he rushes to get done and doesn't put enough detail. He is still in speech and his stutter has returned a little bit. His speech teacher said that is normal to have it come and go. It is still remarkably improved.

Linda is way behind on everything. She os about a year behind on reading level, her writing is several months behind, and most of her test scores show only a little progress. Her behaviors have improved dramatically as well as her social skills. We are going to be upping the amount of time she spends in Special Education and making a new plan for next year.

Noah weighed in at over 25 lbs. and Mina weighs 23 lbs! Noah is now heavier than his cousin Zack who is a few months older. However, Zach is taller and if you know their Daddies it makes sense. Jeremiah is taller and thinner than Jake. Jake is shorter, solid, and strong as an ox. Noah is VERY strong for his age, he is our little tank.

That's it for now, I have to go take care of sick kiddos. Wish me luck!

Stuff We Love

Products we love has been changed to stuff we love. Some of the stuff we love around here is not necessarily a product. Here Goes...


Sesame Street Pop Up Toy

Noah and Mina love this toy. I picked it up at a garage sale. It is an old toy from the 80's. It had nothing fancy, no batteries or lights or fancy sounds, but they love it. They will bring it up to us and make the noises they make when they want us to open things. I probably help them pop up the characters at least 20 times a day. They laugh as each character pops up out of the hole. They never get tired of seeing it. Not bad for a 50 cent toy.




Ipod Touch

This was Jake's Christmas present. I got a great deal on it from a friend who had upgraded to an Iphone. Jake is glued to it, sometimes it is a pain to get him off of it, but I am glad he likes it. There are so many cool apps on it. We have games, maps, calorie counters, e-mail, internet, music, movies, and more. It is his most used present ever.



Plug and Play Games

These are great for James and Linda. They are the whole system and controller all in one. All they have to do is plug it into their TV and go. It works out great because the can switch back and forth in their rooms without having to make a huge effort of moving game consoles.

It is sad when you are almost looking forward to surgery..

What a week. I am doing emotionally better with the idea of a hysterectomy. I am looking forward to the positives like more energy and just feeling better. I have had so many others tell me how much better they felt after theirs. I am worried about my clotting disorder though. I am only supposed to be in the hospital for one night, but after my c-section my clotting factors took a week to get controlled enough for me to get discharged. That worked out well because the babies took a week to stop losing weight so they could be discharged. However, this time it will be my first overnight away from the babies. I am really hoping only one night will work out. I have spent the last few days working out who is going to pick the kids up school, who is going to help me lift the babies, and so on and so on.

In other news, we had a couple of friends and family over for superbowl. I was just not feeling well enough to go out although I appreciate all of the invites to parties we recieved. The babies are getting so observant. After the first few touchdowns, they watched all of us hoop and hollar and throw our arms up in the air for touchdown symbols. They started throwing their arms up everytime one of us would yell. It was adorable. James got very into the game as well. He was the only one rooting for the Colts, but he held his own cheering for them. Linda could care less about the game, but loved the Puppy Chow. Today both kids stayed home from school with sore throats and now mine is starting to hurt so it has been a very tiring week. That's it for now, time for bed.

Time to break out the chocolate. Warning-Discussion of Reproductive Systems

Well today has definitely not been one of the best days. I am going to tell you upfront that I am in a funk as I write this blog. I am sad, a little scared, grumpy and generally mopey. I am also going to talk frank about "female issues" so if you are sensitive to that, stop right here and come back later.

I went to my OB/Gyn today. I have essentially been having bleeding since I delivered the twins about 14 months ago. We did a D&C and it only helped for a few weeks. It was not always heavy, but it was almost always there. Sometimes it would stop for a day or two, but it always came back. Sometimes very, very heavy. Any activity would bring it on, when it was heavy I would be so tired and low energy. It was just not a pleasant way to live.

The problem that we ran into was that I have a clotting disorder. Any hormones I could take would greatly raise the risk of blood clots for me with potentially deadly consequences. So that ruled out being able to treat the bleeding with something like birth control pills.

Today my OB made the call that a hysterectomy was my last option. 3 days after Valentines Day I will lose the ability to have more children forever. I know I already had my tubes tied because I was informed the chances of me carrying another baby to term were not good at all and I couldn't face another loss. Deep down I always held a little sliver of hope that one day maybe 5 or 10 years from now there would be a break through with Incompetent Cervix that would allow me to have another child.

I know what I sound like, I have four kids, why would I want another one? I am not sure I do, but I don't want to know that it could never happen. I have loved every moment of the babies lives so far. All four of my children are such blessings and I am just frustrated that the option has been snatched away from me. I thought I wouldn't care, I had known it was coming, but I do. I can't even explain why I am so sad about it. I probably would never had tried to have another child, but at least the option was there. Now I am going to be sterile, before I'm even thirty. I just found out today, so maybe I just need a little time to adjust to the idea... I don't know. I have talked to a couple of other women who said they felt the same way so I guess I am not alone in this.

The good news is that my OB is going to do the surgery robotically (see picture below). It will mean a shorter recovery and less pain. I will still be fairly out of commision for around two week. I will also have lifting restrictions and driving restrictions. In addition, it will be my first overnight away from the babies.

I know this has been kind of a pity party, but it feels good to get it out. I am sure I will do better once I have had some time to suck it up. In the meantime, time to break out some chocolate.

The DaVinci Hysterectomy

Blog of the Day

"But to do justly, and to love Mercy, and to walk humbly with our God." Micah 6:8


I am starting a new feature on my blog. I already do products I love, now I am going to share blogs that I love. I had a lot of time when I was on bedrest to do well, nothing. One of the things that I would do to keep my mind busy was read other blogs that were about what I was going through, had gone through, or could go through. There are many great blogs out there about adoption, IC, OB/GYN issues, general medical blogs, grief, infertility, preemies, and child loss. Since many women are reading my blog for the same purpose, I decided to share my favorite blogs. I like doing it this way because I can explain why I love them.

The first blog of the day is Road to Mercy. This blog is a little different because I am blessed to call the author of this blog my dear friend. Her name is Melissa and she is my pastor's wife. Over the past few years our church has been going to Uganda for Libraries of Love (an excellent mission). While there last summer, Melissa met an infant at an orphanage named Mercy. She fell in love. Without repeating too much of what you can read in her blog, her husband and her decided to adopt her and are going through the long, stressful process of an international adoption.

Melissa and Mercy



This blog is a sweet, poignant, thought-provoking journey through the process of adoption and the call to serve as Christians. It is also fascinating to find out more about the people of Uganda.

If you didn't know, international adoption is very expensive. Her family is raising money to help cover the costs. One of the things they are doing is selling t-shirts designed especially for Mercy and the process to her her. I am showing it below. Read her blog and you will find out exactly what is behind the design on the shirt and what it means. If you are interested in one, the information to order one is on her blog, or just let me know. Here is the link to the blog: http://roadtomercy.blogspot.com/ I hope you are as blessed by this blog as I am.

The t-shirt (Jake, his cousins, and I are all ordering one)

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

One of the things I have really been working on as a mother is relinquishing control and picking my battles. I really felt like my parents were so strict that it was smothering growing up. I would rebel just to feel like a little control. So when Jamie announced that he wanted to grow his hair like Zac Efron (see picture #1) I was not really thrilled, but I figured this was one of the battles that wasn't worth fighting over. So for months now he has been growing it out. He has a very thick head of hair so it was really beginning to get bushy and curly instead of straight like Zac Efron. It truly was beginning to look a mess. This weekend though he announced that he wanted it short like Dad's. I asked him why and he said he was tired of the babies pulling his hair all of the time. So here are some before and after photos. All I can say is thank goodness for hair pullers.

Zac Efron





Jamie "Before"





Jamie "After"

Mason's Story-Aftermath part 3

After I returned to the funeral home I went back into the viewing room and saw Mason again. I thought I was all dried up from the first visit, but the minute I saw him I broke down again. I held his hand, stroked his cheek and just cried. After 20 minutes or so I was all cried out and exhausted. It had only been two days since I delivered him and I was still bleeding profusely. I also had not eaten in over three days. I had taken a pain pill to manage the pain, but I was still so weak and tired. I started feeling weak from everything and so I moved a high back chair next to his casket and just curled up in a little ball. After awhile my mother came up to the funeral home and tried to talk me into going home and resting. She promised to stay with him, but I just couldn't do it. If someone told you that you only had until eight o'clock with your child and then you would never see them again, would you be able to leave? I am by no means trying to say anything bad against my mother. She had a double pain. Not only was she seeing her grandchild lying there, but her own child pale, weak, weeping, broken-hearted and slowly sinking into themselves from grief. My mother has told me that it was the hardest thing she has ever had to witness. She just wanted me to rest.

When I wouldn't go home, my mom just pulled up another chair and sat with me. Occasionally she would get up and lay her hand on Mason lovingly and then sit back down. Word had began to spread that I was having a viewing. Friends, church members, and coworkers began to arrive. Most people were there just to support me. A lot of them were uncomfortable with the idea of a baby viewing, but I appreciated their support none-the-less. One co-worker's wife had made me a very nice picture that had a poem and Mason's name on it and I treasure it to this day. One church member walked up to Mason touched him gently and declared him beautiful. Just perfect. That meant so much to me. He did not look like your average newborn. He was tiny, his eyes were closed, he was bruised from his breech birth, and his skin was translucent. He was beautiful to me, but to have someone else declare that was so special.

The moment that touched me the most was when a dear family friend came. She was my daycare provider when I was little and is just a strong, kind woman. She came in, wrapped me in a hug, and then went to look at Mason. Her eyes grew damp and then she leaned over and very gently kissed him on his forehead. I was so touched by this outpouring of love that I broke down again.

The day seemed to go by way too quickly. As evening fell, my anxiety began to grow. By around seven I was an emotional mess. I had asked my mom to go home earlier in the evening so that I could just touch him and weep and have that time with him. My cousin had come to sit with me, but I asked for alone time again. I finally called Jake and begged him to reconsider and come see Mason. I was so worried he would regret it if he didn't. He reluctantly came. When he walked in the room he broke down just as I had, but then just reveled in the sight of his son, drinking in the image of his face. We sat there together and just silently spent time with him. Eight o'clock came and we had to leave. It was so hard. I felt like I was leaving a piece of my soul behind. I went home, drank some juice, turned down food, took a pain pill and blissfully let sleep numb me for awhile.

Slim in 2010 (well, slimmer)

So begins another year and new resolutions. The past couple of years I have been hesitant to start a big weight loss program because we were trying to get pregnant, or were pregnant. This year that is not an issue so here I go. I am not really on a diet, I am just trying to eat better and eat less. I am just trying to make healthy substitutes for the foods I love and exercise everyday. Jake and I have been working out together almost every night for three weeks. We have both lost about 5 lbs. so far. It is not coming off super fast, but it is a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. After my knee injury I have learned to not try too much all in one day. My sister-in-law Dianne keeps me motivated and checks in with me everyday. My dear cousin Kimmie is also trying as well so we keep each other accountable. I am so proud of her, she has given up Coke which is her favorite drink and has stuck to it. So this blog will also turn into a weight loss blog now too. I am hesitant to do it in case I fail, but maybe it will help keep me on track.

In other news, Jamie and Linda had their second grade "Panda Palooza" last night. They sang, danced, and played instruments. Jamie had a big solo. It was adorable. They both did really well and we are so proud. The pictures are very blurry because I was holding Mina and trying to take photos at the same time. She would move everytime I tried to take one. But they are better than nothing. Here is their second grade program.

Funny Faces

The babies are growing so fast. Mina is walking like crazy and Noah is running. We are still having stranger danger pretty bad, but it is totally normal. They do great with people if Mommy and Daddy are there, but if we are not, like at church nursery, they get very scared and cannot be comforted until we come back for them. Noah only made it about 15 minutes on Sunday. Poor baby. However, it is kind of nice to feel wanted and needed.

Along with growing up comes all sorts of new foods to try. They are doing very good with new foods. They will eat most stuff and love what we are eating. They also enjoy hamming it up in their high chairs and give each other the giggles over the littlest things. What childhood would be complete without the messy, funny face pictures? Here are some we snapped the other day.

The Death of My Hard Drive

Sorry for the delay in blogging. My hard drive crashed and I had to get a new one. What a pain that is. I still have to pay to try and have a company retrieve the data off of the old one. I am slowly getting back up and running and should resume normal blogging soon!

Mish Mash

There is nothing really big happening just yet (although something may be in the works!) so I am just going to give an update on the little things. Mina is getting much more confident in her walking. She is walking the length of the living room without being prompted now. Noah is talking much more and learning a little bit of sign language.

Bedtime has been a breeze lately. James and Linda go to bed around eight on school nights and the babies go to bed around nine. Here lately all I have to do is say "Night-night time!" and both babies head to their bedroom. Mina usually gets distracted by toys once she gets there, but Noah goes straight to his crib, reaches his hand between the bars and gets his blanket and stands there until I put him him. After prayers and kisses we turn off the light and that is that. Wow, I have the best babies ever.

They are down to around two bottles a day before nap and bed. They are doing great with big people food and sippy cups. I am amazed everyday at how much they learn and what they mimic.

Jake and I have been exercising almost everyday. So far so good. We are not really on a diet, just trying to make smarter choices everyday. It has been going really well so I hope we keep it up. Some of our close family members are doing the same thing so the support is really nice.

I am not sure what has gotten into Linda lately. She is slipping in school and is a pain to put it nicely at home. She has just been an absolute snot to Jamie and is chucking tantrums like crazy. The biggest battle is getting her to read her book for homework every night. She will drag it out and not get it done the whole night. She has even thrown it at the wall until she has broken the spine in a tantrum. All of the time she spends not doing it she could have done it ten times. I am at a loss. Hopefully she will snap out of it soon.

That's it for now. It really was a mish-mash of information but at least we are all caught up now.

Products We Love

I am stealing this idea from maria's blog, but every once in awhile I will posts products or things my family loves and uses a lot. The first on is....

Wii Fit Plus


We love this product. It enables you to have fun while exercising. There are obstacle courses, run, biking, yoga, weights, and tons of fun games that get you up and moving. It also keeps track of you weight, BMI, and calories burned and graphs them for you so you can see your progress. Jake and I have been doing it every day for two weeks and are seeing results.

V-Tech Dancing Tower



The babies love this one. It encourages them to move and the bear dances on top and they sing and kick and have a great time. It even has a working microphone. And it has two sides so both babies can play together.


Fisher Price Busy Ball Popper



The babies love this toy. It plays music and then the balls pop out of the top. They love to chase the balls and put them back in that eat the balls and throw the balls and make mom look for the balls....good times.

Kid Cuisine



I love these. They are cheaper than a happy meal and so nice when you are in a hurry. Jamie and Linda love picking them out and making their own dinner. So nice for mom.

March for Babies-Share your Story

It is time once again to start organizing a team for the March of Dimes-March for Babies. The March of Dimes is devoted to the welfare of all babies, but is most currently known for their research which has helped saved the lives of millions of babies born too soon. Through their research Surfactant was developed which is one of the most instrumental tools in saving preemies. One of the biggest killers for premature babies is a lack of Surfactant which is what keeps your lungs from sticking together when you breathe in and out. By developing artificial Surfactant, babies rates of Respiratory Distress Syndrome and subsequent death from it has been greatly reduced. The MOD also back in the 1950's did critical research in the fight against polio and development of a vaccine. The MOD also provides financial assistance to parents to help pay NICU bills and were the one to call for Neo-natal Intensive Care Units to be developed in the first place.

I have directly benefited from the MOD research. Their research helped lead to the use of steroid shots given during pregnancy to help develop the babies lungs in the event they are likely to be premature. I was given the shots and I firmly believe that is part of why they only had to be in Special Care and not NICU. I also support them in Mason's memory because I hope that one day mothers will not have to experience that loss.

We are in the beginning phases of organizing our team. I hope it to be bigger and better than last year as I am continually meeting new people who share my passion. Speaking of, several people have shared their stories with me. I am asking you if you feel comfortable to share your stories of why the March of Dimes is dear to you on here. Just leave it as a comment and I will post it. I can't wait to hear your stories and I look forward to working with all of you as we team up to save babies together.

Alpha-hydroxyprogesterone Injections (17P)

During my pregnancy with the twins, I had weekly injections of Alpha-hydroxyprogesterone (17P). 17P injections are used to prevent preterm labor. They are most recommended in singleton pregnancies because there is not as much promising data to show that they are effective in twin pregnancies, however in my case we were operating under the better safe than sorry philosophy.

17P is a specialized for of progesterone. It has been show to lessen the chance of a woman having an irritable uterus. Irritable uterus's have a lot contractions that are just strong enough to change the cervix. The injections basically keep the uterus calm and happy.

It is usually started at 16-20 weeks. I started it around 13 weeks because of the twins. It has to be done by a medical professional because it is an intra-muscular shot. It is hard to find. Most women have to order through online services. I found one pharmacy in town who carried it. The problem is that it is a mixture of things and has to be compounded at the time of purchase. In my town there is only one pharmacy who makes it and it is quite a ways from my house. Because of my bedrest, Jake would have to make a trip monthly to the pharmacy to pick it up, and then I would deliver to my OB at my next appointment. The OB stored the vial there and would administer the injections to me weekly.

The shots were given to me in my hip alternating sides every week. It is a very thick medicine and takes a while for the nurse to push in, and it burns. However, my personal opinion is that it worked. In my case, the first few days after the injections saw much less contractions than the last day before receiving it again. It is expensive and most insurances will not cover it yet. It is about $70 a month. We had to pay that out of pocket. There were few side effects, mostly just my hip hurt for a day or two. Sometimes I would bruise, but I was also taking blood thinners as well. I would say it was worth it. Just google 17P and you will find other women's stories as well. If you are local to me and want the name of the pharmacy, just e-mail me and I will send it to you. If you are not, you should be able to find an online pharmacy through your peri.

Poor Tipsy

Poor Tipsy. He is my oldest cat. He was also my first cat. I have had him about 10 years. He was Jake and I's only cat for the first three years. Yesterday he started acting like his paw was bothering him. By today he wouldn't even walk at all, he just laid around and growled if anybody came near him. I took him to the vet and they said that he has no obvious break, but that he has a huge pocket of abscessed fluid where his elbow is. They gave him a pain pill shot and anti-inflammatory shot, but if it does not get better than he will need x-rays. If they show a fracture, than he may need surgery which would be very expensive, and he is so old he might not even survive. At that point we might have to consider putting him to sleep. We are very sad about it and we are hoping he gets better. He has been a great lap cat and companion and will be missed very much if it comes down to it. So for now he is resting and taking his medicine and we are just babying him as much as possible

The TAC

Before I start this post I this post I want to make a few points clear. I am not in the medical field. All of the information I post is based on my own experiences, information from my doctors, and my own private research. It is not intended to be medical advice, nor to replace your own research. It is simply just for the sake of knowledge.

After we lost Mason there was numerous opinions on what route would be best to proceed for us in the event of another pregnancy. My OB that I had at the time we lost Mason was very blunt and said that he felt that if I had a trans-vaginal cerclage I would just break through it and lose another pregnancy. Just as a refresher, the TVC (trans-vaginal cerclage) is a band or a stitch placed at the top of the cervix during the pregnancy through the vagina and is in most cases removed before labor begins. There are many studies on the TVC that show varying success rates from 75-85% for a singleton pregnancy. The rate is even less for twins. There are many possible complications from infection causing pre-term labor to the cervix dilating through the stitch tearing the cervix. This is what my OB was afraid of in my case. He referred me to the fertility clinic that we had used to concieve in for a consult on the TAC(trans-abdominal cerclage).

At the consultation, the Fertility specialist said that they don't usually do a TAC until a TVC has failed. In my case I was so dilated with Mason that a cerclage was not possible. He also stated that he did not feel that I needed to go as extreme as the TAC and referred me on to a perinatologist. The peri I saw happened to be the same specialist that was called in to consult when I was in the hospital with Mason. She is the woman who told me my cervix was too dilated to do an emergency cerclage and held my hand and cried with me when she told me there was nothing that could be done to save Mason.

I went to my appointment with her to gain more information. She is a very by the book person. She told me that she would not do a TAC without having a TVC first except in cases where part of the cervix had been removed for cancer. She went on to tell me that she was not even sure that I had IC, she was wondering if my clotting disorder caused the loss of Mason. I left feeling very frustrated and went home to do my own research.

In case you are wondering what the big deal is about the TAC I will explain it. Basically, it is major abdominal surgery with recovery compared to a c-section. In layman's terms they make an incision and then using a stitch or a band, they permanently attach the bottom of your uterus to your cervix. That way there is essentially no way for the cervix to dilate. For those of you wanting more medical explanation here is a copy of some of my research.

All procedures are performed with the type of abdominal incision decided based upon the size of the uterus and maternal body habitus. The uterus is usually pulled out of the mother's body and maintained moist with warmed saline. The procedure requires removing the bladder from the cervical area while tunnels are created near the uterine artery on each side. A mersilene band (a polyester suture) is placed around the upper portion of the cervix and tied in a square knot tightly enclosing the cervix which is not removed after the pregnancy. Because many fragile uterine veins are in this area, the most common complication is bleeding. Methods of stabilizing this bleeding depend on the situation and anatomy, while avoiding compromise of the supply of blood to the uterus. In recent years, perioperative treatment with indomethacin has been used for a total of 48 hours, as a uterine relaxant. Indomethacin is a drug that belongs to the family of drugs called nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). Indomethacin reduces pain, fever, swelling, and redness.

Prenatal care following the procedure would also include cervical exams every two weeks, careful attention to signs and symptoms of preterm labor (with aggressive use of tocolysis if labor persists) and planned delivery by cesarean as soon after 37 weeks as fetal lung maturity can be documented. Because of the latter intervention tactic, 37 week delivery is considered “term” for the purpose of our follow-up information.

As you can see the TAC means an automatic c-section as the stitch is intended to permanently stay in place. It is usually done before pregnancy, but can be done early in the pregnancy as well. Doctors only like to do it as a last resort because it is such major surgery. It is very frustrating to the women involved because often times the woman has to have multiple losses before a doctor will go to this length.

I did go on to have a twin pregnancy with a TVC and I made it to 35 weeks. They are healthy now, but I also did full bedrest from 11 weeks on and I still was dilated to the stitch at 22 weeks. It almost went south and it has done so for many of my IC sisters.

If you want more information on the TAC here is a link to a yahoo group devoted to it. It is called Abby Loopers and it is a great place for information and support.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Abbyloopers/

That's one small step for Mina.....one giant leap for development (warning, baby constipation talk)

Mina finally started walking! I am so relieved, I was really starting to worry that there was a developmental delays. We knew that could happen due to their prematurity. A baby born at 35 weeks has only 75% of the brain development as a full term baby. Most babies will catch up by age two and they both were just fine on development at their last screen, but with Noah walking for months now I was starting to get worried. Yay Mina! I am so proud.

We are still really struggling with Mina's constipation though. Kimmie was watching them yesterday while I went to class (you are awesome Aunt Kimmie) and poor Mina was just grunting and then she was crying because it hurt so bad and was still making no progress. Jake came home and had to literally, manually help Mina poop. This involves taking a Q-Tip coated in vaseline and inserting it a little ways, then wiggling it to make her push. Then he has to push on her rectum while she pushes and sometimes try to use the Q-Tip to try and pull it out. This has to hurt her and we feel so awful when we have to do it. Usually we will only do it if she has stuggled on her own for most of the day, or if she has bleeding from struggling.

I called the doctor and he said that there will be an adjustment period on her system from switching to the milk. He put her back on the baby laxative daily and suggested we get her a type of yogurt called Yo-Baby to help. We also are to keep her on some of the lactose formula daily to help ease her into it.

Jamie and Linda are back in school and doing well. Linda thrives on a firm routine so I am glad to have her back on it. I just finished Employment Law and now I am on my very last class for my Master's-Corporate Law. I am so happy that the end is in sight. This is my last make up class from my bedrest and then I will officially have my degree in hand. I also have a big interview coming up. It will be my second interview for this position so I am really excited at the prospects. This is one of those great paying jobs with good benefits that would just really set up my family for financial success. In case you are wondering, Aunt Kimmie and Jordan will be at my house to stay with the kiddos. It works out great, she makes a little extra spending money, and I know they are safe and well loved. They love to spend time with her and Jordan and there is a special bond there. I would not go back to work if I had to leave them in daycare with strangers. If I get this job, once we pay off some more things than Jake is talking about going back to school for his Nursing degree. I know he will make a great nurse. I just paid off and closed both credit cards that we took out during the pregnancy. I lost my prescription coverage during the pregnancy and the prescriptions I needed to keep the babies and me healthy were almost $3000 a month. That all came out of pocket. After we cleaned out our savings, our retirement savings, and Mason's life insurance than we took out two credit cards to pay for them. I am so glad they are paid off and we are two steps closer to being out of debt. I have another $2000 or so in medical bills and then student loans, the house, and the car. I think we will take care of the medical bills and most of the car with taxes so I am eager to be debt free. We are going to try to have no debt except for the house in 5 years or less. The house is acceptable debt, plus it appraises for about $55,000 more than what we owe. I spoke to a realtor and she said that houses in Derby sell very close to their appraisal value so when we do sell that will give us a very nice down payment on a new place.

Whew, that is a lot to cover. I hope everybody elses New Year is starting off as well as our. Here's to more good news in 2010.

Why I Can Never Get Laundry Done

Grief and Personality Changes

Everyone knows I started this blog as a way to tell Mason's story and my journey through grief. Many of my readers are parents who have experianced a similiar loss. That being said, I have to be in a specific mood to write about those experiances and sometimes it can be days in between that mood. On those days I will write about my family, or other day to day issues. However, when the mood strikes me, or I have a thought to share with others experiancing the loss of a child, then I post it on here. Sometimes it is extremely personal, but I have so many positive responses that I continue.

Last night I was on a support site for parents of infant loss. I often go on there to help other women whose loss has just occured. Often times they just want an ear to listen as they tell their story. That is one of the best things that you can do for a grieving parent. Let them talk about their child or experiance, mention their child by name. Many books on grief talk about the sense of abandonment that parents feel when family members and friends seem to avoid them. In fact, this is a time that will make or break relationships. The people that are there for the grieving parents will establish a permanent bond that will be hard to break. The ones that the parents thought would have been/should have been but are not will me damamged, maybe forever as the parent feels a sense of abandonment or betrayal. By being there, I mean the people who call or come over on their own. The people who sit and let you play music that reminds you of your child, or tell what is happening, or who look at sonogram pictures, or visit the child's headstone and tell you how nice it is. These people realize that you are not going to call them, you are too shell shocked to even think of that, but come over anyways just to let you know that they care. I know in my experiance, many friends that were just casual friendships, or in the early stages of friendship have been cemented as lifelong friends because of this.

Now one mother in paticular was talking about the personality changes her and her husband have experianced. I did some research and have found out that often times these changes are permanent. Some times they are for the better, sometimes not. I know I have had profound changes in personality. The most noticeable is a sort of I don't care attitude. I used to try and try with people and would often times get walked all over because of it. If someone was rude I would just let it go and let it go even though it was eating me up inside. I would put up with so much and never do anything about it except maybe complain to Jake. Now I am much more confrontational. If someone is being rude, I will call them on it. If someone has done something to me or mine, I will deal with it. I guess you could say fight fire with fire. The bad side of this is that I seem to have an on/off switch for people. I guess what I mean by that is that is someone has pushed me far enough I can seem to shut off all emotion or feelings for that person like someone switches off a light. Once it is off, it is very hard for me to trust that person and turn it back on. This is not normal I know, I just don't know how to fix it. In some ways it is nice because if I have shut off all feelings, then I don't get hurt. However, there are times and situations where it becomes necessary to deal with someone and for other's sake I need to find a way to turn it on and at least be civil. I think that when I used to try and try I was giving away little pieces of me only to have them trampled to dust. When we lost Mason, I lost such a huge piece of me that I feel like if I keep giving pieces away, there will be nothing left of what made me, well me. I have noticed similiar changes in Jake as well. I don't know how to fix it, and I am afraid it might be permanent. Truthfully I am not sure if I want to go back to the way I was.

I close with this qoute I have often thought of. For those of you going through the same thing, I hope this post helps you feel like you are not the only one who os going through these changes.

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

A new Decade-Happy New Year

What a fun week it has been. We celebrated New Year's with family and friends at our house. We had great food, Wii time, and then watched a movie that scared the bejiminies out of us. Poor Kimmie had Brittany and Jordan sleeping in her bed that night. Jake has a three day weekend for the holiday so we have to spend a lot of time together as a family. New Years Day we played Wii and then Jake and Mike watched the movie 9. Jake's brother had said it was good, but I am thankful Dianne told me not to let the kiddos watch it. I was reading enjoying my Christmas present from Jake, a new Sony digital reader. It allows me to download books and carry up to 1500 with me wherever I go on a reader that is about the size of a paperback novel and as thin as a cell phone. It is awesome.

The babies rang in the New Year by figuring out how to climb up on things. Now they can climb the ottoman, the entertainment center, and the couch. I am afraid that nothing is safe now.

This is a short post, but I hope you all had a Happy New Year and that 2010 turns out to be the best year ever for all of us.