Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Baby Tears

Jake worked on the nursery last night and got most of the name letters and animals done. Later on that night I noticed I hadn't seen him in awhile so I went back there to find him. When I got back there he was sitting in the rocking chair with his head in his hands. His back was shaking so I thought he was laughing about something. I asked him what he was doing and he looked up at me and at that moment I realized he wasn't laughing, he was sobbing. I didn't have to ask, I knew why. Putting together the nursery just hit home all of the things we can't do for Mason.

Part of me envies him. I only have sketchy memories of the two hours we had with Mason. Morphine, shock, and blood loss robbed me of some of them. But I have to stop and think how hard it must be for Jake who had none of that. Just two hours with his son, the helpless feeling as we knew he was dying in our arms, but there was nothing anyone could do. The fear as every time they checked for a heartbeat that it may not be beating, and at the same time wanting him to be at peace and not suffering. They had to check for a heartbeat several times. Each time they told us it was still beating we rejoiced that he was still alive, but knew one of these times he wouldn't be.

Dad's are spectators in a situation like this and that is so hard for them. They want to stop the pain their wife and child is in, but at the same time are in so much pain themselves they don't even know how they are functioning. My heart hurts every time Jake cries and I wish so much I could fix it. The truth is we are so blessed with our other children, but there will always be a chunk of our family missing. I can't wait until Jake and I get to hold our Mason in our arms again.

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
that our God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
and we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things we would do,
all the things that your daddy would pass on to you.
I cried tears as I thought of each inch you had grown,
as I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then to think of the world you must enter brought fears,
once again little loved one your mother cried tears.
Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
and I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
and again, yes again my tears fall like rain.
Then his peace comes to me as I think of you there,
gently rocking with Father in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in his palm,
and His Son softly singing to help you keep calm.
Our God knew your days before you came to be,
and He knew little one you would not stay with me,
so I cry, but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
and the joy and the sorrow both make us cry.
~Connie Johnson~