Baby Tears

Jake worked on the nursery last night and got most of the name letters and animals done. Later on that night I noticed I hadn't seen him in awhile so I went back there to find him. When I got back there he was sitting in the rocking chair with his head in his hands. His back was shaking so I thought he was laughing about something. I asked him what he was doing and he looked up at me and at that moment I realized he wasn't laughing, he was sobbing. I didn't have to ask, I knew why. Putting together the nursery just hit home all of the things we can't do for Mason.

Part of me envies him. I only have sketchy memories of the two hours we had with Mason. Morphine, shock, and blood loss robbed me of some of them. But I have to stop and think how hard it must be for Jake who had none of that. Just two hours with his son, the helpless feeling as we knew he was dying in our arms, but there was nothing anyone could do. The fear as every time they checked for a heartbeat that it may not be beating, and at the same time wanting him to be at peace and not suffering. They had to check for a heartbeat several times. Each time they told us it was still beating we rejoiced that he was still alive, but knew one of these times he wouldn't be.

Dad's are spectators in a situation like this and that is so hard for them. They want to stop the pain their wife and child is in, but at the same time are in so much pain themselves they don't even know how they are functioning. My heart hurts every time Jake cries and I wish so much I could fix it. The truth is we are so blessed with our other children, but there will always be a chunk of our family missing. I can't wait until Jake and I get to hold our Mason in our arms again.

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
that our God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
and we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things we would do,
all the things that your daddy would pass on to you.
I cried tears as I thought of each inch you had grown,
as I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then to think of the world you must enter brought fears,
once again little loved one your mother cried tears.
Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
and I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
and again, yes again my tears fall like rain.
Then his peace comes to me as I think of you there,
gently rocking with Father in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in his palm,
and His Son softly singing to help you keep calm.
Our God knew your days before you came to be,
and He knew little one you would not stay with me,
so I cry, but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
and the joy and the sorrow both make us cry.
~Connie Johnson~

Busy Weekend

We had a lot of fun this weekend. Jake and Mike competed in a Blazin Hot challenge where if they could finish a dozen wings so hot that you have to sign a waiver for in under 6 minutes, you get a free t-shirt and your name on the wall. After Jake's face turned the same color as his hair and sweat poured from his body, he finished and now he has a t-shirt and his picture on the wall along with his buddy Mike as a token of their manly feat. I posted some pictures Jake's cousins and I took. We have never laughed so hard.

Saturday we went to see the new Transformers. It was good. It is not award winning, or thought provoking, but entertaining none the less. The food was good, and the company was great. Only about two more weeks until we can get out again for the next Harry Potter.

We finally got the nursery painted and are working on decorating it. I will post the pics as soon as it is done. We also tried baby food and here are some pictures of that fiasco. Hopefully they will learn to like it as time goes on.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

I am on a support site for women with Incompetent Cervix. It is a place women go to for answers after their loss. Their are several new women on there who are recently gone through a loss and read this blog. I was sent this poem after we lost Mason and it still rings true now. I post this for them.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in 6 months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn’t expect me not to think about it or to be happy. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
10. I don’t want to have a "pity party" but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I dont feel okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I am having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I am quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to take one day at a time is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle one hour at a time right now.
15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
17. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray daily that you will never HAVE to understand.

Summer Reading Woes and Food for Thought

I am having a problem getting Linda to read this summer. Linda reads at a level way below her classmates. The problem is her teachers and I don't know if it is ability, or lack of want to that is the problem. Linda will not do anything she doesn't want to do and nothing will make her. The kids are doing the summer reading program at the local library. James looks forward to getting his books every week and then gets home and devours them in a few days. He is really into the Magic Treehouse chapter books which are at an appropriate level for a second grader. Linda picks books way below a second grade level and has been known to pick a book to read strictly because it had a glittery picture on the cover. I have started making her get at least one age appropriate book every time.

When the babies take their afternoon nap, the kids go to their reading chairs and can either read, or go take a nap themselves. That is the only choices I give most days. A couple of times a week I will let them watch a movie, but they must do some sort of quiet time every day. Linda fights reading so much and to get out of it she will act like she doesn't know the words. She will sound out even the simplest words like "go" just to be aggravating. The problem is that now we can't tell what she knows and what she doesn't. I have heard her on occasion read the box of a new toy and be able to read all of the words just fine. This is very frustrating trying to figure out where she is at.

Another problem we are having is that she has lost weight. She can't afford to lose weight, she is too little to begin with. Now her shoulder blades and collar bone are sticking out like crazy. She goes through phases where she just doesn't want to eat, unless it is candy or something like that. She won't even eat cereal some days. So I had decided I wouldn't force her to eat it and if she didn't want it she could just wait for the next meal, but now she has lost weight. So I guess I am going to have to make her eat again. And by make her I mean have her sit at the table until she is done which can take hours. I am also going to try to push milk instead of water and find other ways to sneak calories in. I also thought about trying Pediasure as well. Maybe since it tastes like a milkshake she will take it. Hmmm, food for thought I guess.

Home Improvement

I know I need to het back to Noah and Mina's story, but I have to be in the right mood to tell it, so I will continue the next quiet time I get when the mood strikes me.

Right now we have been working on the house. We have already carpeted over the hardwood floor in the living room to save the babies heads now that they are rolling everywhere. We also had to replace the front window mini blinds with venetian blinds which look much better. Here is a pic of Noah who jumped so hard while Daddy was playing Guitar Hero he wore himself out, note the new carpet. But we are still working on the nursery.

The nursery is our old master bedroom. The walls were cream colored with one burgandy accent wall. Nice for a master bedroom, a little much for a nursery. So we have painted the burgandy wall a soothing sage green and are repainting the cream walls with a darker cream color. Why green? Well until we are ready to buy a new house which will be several years, the babies will share a room. Therefore we have to do everything gender nuetral. My plan to make it gender nuetral colors, but Noah and Mina will each have their own little corner of the room that is gender specific.

I have bought these adorable wooden animals from Michael's that we are going to hang like a border across the top of the green wall. I also bought wooden letters which I hand painted pink with dark pink sponging "Mina" and tan with camo green sponging "Noah" that will hang on their own gender specific areas. I also have boy/girl themed shelves and little area rugs for their sides and one bigger gender nuetral area rug for the middle. To go along side their names are little wooden princess crowns for Mina and Monkeys for Noah. I also have the coolest mobile ever. I found a real disco ball at a garage sale and they are fasinated with the colors it spins. I think it will be cute, I will post pics when it is all done.

New teeth and pink eyes

Wow, it has been an exciting day. Noah cut his first tooth today and I was so surprised because he is only 6 and a half months old. I know that it can happen that early, but I was not expecting the rush of emotions I felt at the thought of one of my little babies being old enough for a tooth.

As if that wasn't exciting enough, Mina has pink eye. Another germ shared from our vacation. This is why we usually stick close to home. J/J, I know we have to get out sometime. We are just pretty selective about where we go and what we expose them to, but it goes to show you can't protect them from everything.

I am finally feeling better. The cough still lingers, but my bout with Alaskan moose flu seems to be over. I had to laugh today when my sister in law Dianne called and thanked me for giving it to her over then phone. Turns out she has all of the symptoms I had, plus her son has eye goop. She lives in Hawaii so me actually contaminating her is impossible, but we joked about us being so close that we must be able to telepathically give each other stuff. I couldn't be closer to her if she were blood so it makes sense.

This is it for now, I will get back to Noah and Mina's story soon. I am sorry I have slacked off on that and I have listened to those of you asking me to finish. I will try to in the next few days.

Father's Day

Today begins that yearly ritual where we celebrate the Father's in our life. We celebrated Father's Day with my dad when we were in Missourri with him last week. My dad is now the proud new owner of a AirHog remote control helicopter. Jake and him had a blast flying their helicopters around and crashing. I was glad he liked it because he is hard to shop for and it was kind of expensive.

Jake is the proud new owner of the Ghostbuster's game for the Wii. He had been dropping hints about it for weeks. I know him and Mike will have fun playing. The kids also made him pictures and showered him in hugs.

I was thinking last night about how lucky the kids are and what makes a great father. I finally decided that a great Father is the following things:

1. A good role model for his kids. Jake is a great father because he works hard at everything. He works all day at work, and then still helps around the house and helps with baby duty. He has never sat around and expected me to do all of the housework or baby work. This is exactly the kind of man I want my boys to be. Jake also spends quiet time with God everyday and is a great spiritual leader. He is human and makes mistakes, but the sum of his life shows that he is a man after God's own heart. Again, what I want for my kids.

2. He keeps his promises. Jake is honest, he never promises what he can't deliver, and if he says he will do something, he does it. They might not always like what he says, but they can trust it to be the truth.

3. He is not afraid to play. One of the things that makes him great is his ability to have just as much fun doing kid stuff as they do.

4. He puts their needs first. Enough said, the kids comfort comes before his own and that makes him great.

I know there is more, but I have a little girl needing changed. I close with Happy Father's Day Jake! We love you and are so lucky to have you.

Vacation

This past week we took a much needed vacation. My parents live about 8 hours away in a little podunk town in Missourri called Salem. There is literally nothing city like to do, but there are tons of nature type stuff since they live right in the middle of the Ozarks.

We left Friday after Jake got off of work. We drove to Joplin and stayed in a Holiday Inn for the night. The kids thought this was so neat. We ate a yummy breakfast in the hotel and then drove the rest of the trip. We just had a good time visiting everyone. The kiddos got to hang with grandma, grandpa and their cousins. They went swimming and watched movies and just had a blast. Jake went and shot his new pistol with my dad and soon to be brother in law, and then they fixed the belt on our van.

We went for a walk one night on a nature trail and Jake and I heard a kitten crying. Jake being the hero walked through thick, deep brush and found a small, striped kitten in the bottom of the creek bed. He rescued it and now it is in a new home. It rained later that night so I know he saved it's life.

On the way home we stopped by a drive thru zoo. The animals come right to you to be fed and the kiddos had a blast with it. All in all it was a great trip, and a great time to relax and bond as a family.

Back to Noah and Mina's Story

Ok, back to the story. Hopefully my life will be normal and not so filled with crazy from now on. So the cerclage is in, babies are on lockdown and back to bedrest. A few weeks pass with weekly doctor appointment. Everything looks good so far. Then at 18 weeks comes good and bad news. First we get to find out the sexes of the babies. Baby A just would not cooperate and refused to open it's legs, so we had to move on to Baby B. After much looking the baby spread it's legs and the whole room could instantly tell...it's a boy! Noah is apparently well endowed and not at all shy to show it. Back to Baby A, we only have one more glance to find out before the end of the appointment, we look....it's a girl! Mina is more shy about revealing herself than her brother, but we finally we able to see. We are thrilled. I had no preference about the sex, although I'll admit I was worried about having another boy and trying to substitute him for Mason. Although that has not happened, I am glad to report. I have heard it through the grapevine that even just a short while after losing Mason people were saying we should have been over it, or should just move on. All I have to say to this is that if you think that, you are a bloody idiot who should thaw your icy heart. We will never get over the loss of our son. We move forward, but you never move on. I cannot wait for the day when we are reunited. Anyways, back to the story.

I went from the sonogram to the normal appointment. The bad news is that I officially have gestational diabetes. Now I can add about nine more needle sticks to my daily routine bringing the grand total to eleven. Whatever, I was more than willing to do anything I had to do to save my babies.

A few more weeks pass and we make it to 22 weeks. This is the same week Mason was born. I was most fearful for this week. I was so scared to go to this weeks appointment. It turns out my feelings were accurate. I get to the sonogram and find out that my weak cervix has begun to cave under the weight of the two babies. I am dilated to the stitch. This means that the only thing standing between life and death for my babies is a piece of nylon thread. The worry is evident on my doctor's face. He says lets just try to make it to 23 weeks where there is a small survival chance for the babies. I am given the steroid shots to help develop the babies lungs in case they are born early. My bed rest is restricted even more, showers are reduced to eevery 2-3 days no longer than 10 minutes.

I was so afraid, every day was spent in fear, every pain, every twinge, could mean something was happening. I was never so glad to see 23 weeks, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 every week the medical looked shocked to still see me pregnant. I truly was having miracle babies.

Next time...3 rd trimester and delivery.

What a day. I am still waiting on Noah and Mina to take a long nap at the same time so that I can write the long blog that I need to continue their story. Things have been so crazy. Yesterday we had lunch at the park with friends. The kids love getting to have a picnic and play with their friends. Then I had a couple of moles removed so I now have stitches on my face. Nice. Then we had Jake's soft-ball game. Jake did really well, he even did an impressive slide into base. At least that is what I thought it was until he informed me really just tripped and fell into the base.

Today was the babies six month check up. It is amazing how much they have grown. Noah weights 17.5 lbs now and Mina is 16.5 pounds. I was able to answer yes to every question except the one where they asked if they have any stranger danger. Nope, not yet. I really am not sure if they will. These guys have had the benefit of a wonderful church family who have loved them immensly since they were in the womb. Because of this they have many "grandmas" who love to come over and spend time just loving on them. They also have numerous "aunts and uncles" who snuggle them as well. It does my heart good when people come up and say to make sure we come to church on Sunday because they are working the nursery and can't wait to hold them.

They got three shots and this went much better than last time. We made sure we did not have the same nurse as last time so there was much less pain and tears. All in all it was a very productive day today. Exhausting, but productive.

The highlight of the kiddos day is when Jake comes home. Jamie and Linda love to tell him about their day and the babies just light up. We had a great evening tonight although we were bummed that the thunderstorms missed us. I have new pictures of the babies and kiddos that I will post soon. If you really want to see pics though, check out my facebook page. That will have the most up to date photos and a lot more of them. So just a short update for now, I hope to get back to the babies' story tomorrow.

OK, I will eventually get back to Noah and Mina's story, but first an update. I have had the most marvelous week. It has been so relaxing and just plain nice. I am back in class writing my master's thesis paper. I was supposed to do it when I was pregnant, but I couldn't get the focus down. So I opted for a leave and am now doing it now. I was so overwhelmed with the requirements for the paper that I couldn't even tell where to start. Well I stayed after class and had a great discussion with the instructor and now I have a game plan. I feel like I might actually be able to do this now.

Another thing that has made this week great is Jake. He has been the biggest joy to be around and I feel like we have a renewed bliss in our marriage. A huge source of stress on our marriage, and one of the only things we fight about has been removed and things couldn't be better. Jamie and Linda were laughing so hard at us this weekend as we rough housed and played and laughed just like a couple of teenagers. Except for when we kissed..that earned a resounding "Ewww!"

Jamie has wanted a mohawk for quite awhile now. I had told him he could get one this summer when school was out. I figured this was a good compromise. He went with Jake and I was so nervous, but he came home with a faux-hawk instead. Basically it still looks like a mohawk, but can lay down like normal hair when we need it to. I was very proud and impressed with his choice.

I have been a huge fan of the Twilight books for a couple of years now and it is funny to watch people slowly start to get on the bad wagon. It was the same way with the Harry Potter series too. More and more people are beginning to read them and I finally got Jake to read them too. He liked the movie, but needed to read the books, well he has started and is slowly getting hooked.

Linda has had a great time at all of the kid's event our church does. She is really starting to blossom. We go to the park for lunch and play time with the other kids once a weeek and there is a kid's activity at the church every week as well. We are truly blessed with a great church home. Jake and I have been going there since I was in junior high and Jake was in high school and we are just loved and encouraged by everyone in it. We truly love our church family.

On another note, we will be spending time with my family in Missourri here soon. My family loves jake and so he loves to be around them. He and my Dad and future brother in law go fishing on the river, or hunting, or ATV'ing and just have a blast. My dad and I don't always see eye to eye, but in recent years he has become one of the few mentally stable male role models that Jake can relate to in both of our families. My sister will be there from Alaska and James and Linda love playing with their cousins. They are really close and I am excited to see them grow up as friends. Four days solid of nothing but family time. Don't get me wrong, we can have our arguments, but trust me, they are mild compared to what I have seen. I have the benefit of most of my family not being delusional and hypocritical. (My immediate family at least). =)

Another thing good about this week is the time I have spent with my TFC's. For those of you not hip on the lingo, that stands for Tatooed Freak Cousins which is what some of the in-laws refer to Jake's cousins as. Well, if you take time to look beyond the tattoos you will find some of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. His cousins can be blunt at times, but I much prefer that to people talking behind your back. They are genuine and we have a blast together. I just wish my sister-in law Dianne could be here in person instead of hanging out with us over the phone.

So there is so much more, but my fingers are cramping up from all of this typing.