Thursday, November 18, 2010

3 years

It has been three years since the birth, and loss of my son Mason. I am not sure what to put here. I want to acknowledge his birthday and praise God for the time that I had with him. It was so precious to me and I am so thankful to hold you and kiss your sweet face for those few hours. Acknowledging the happiness also means acknowledging the sadness as well. I miss him. I miss him so much that it physically hurts sometimes. So I have decided that this blog post on his birthday will talk about what has changed in the past three years.

1. My ability to feel happiness has changed. In the first few months after losing Mason, it honestly felt like I would never be happy again. There was a horrible deep ache inside of me that consumed every other emotion. I can honestly say that now I feel happiness, it is a different kind of happiness. It feels like there like there is always something lurking in the background waiting to bring me crashing back to earth, but there has been progress.

2. I always held fast to the promise of Heaven, to the promise that I would be reunited with him, but it felt so far away. It was almost like I was looking at the other side through a dense fog. Three years later after some healing the fog is much clearer. It still seems far away, but now I can realize things like he is more alive than any of us. He is basking in the love of Christ daily. He is literally in Son-light. I can have some peace about that now.

3. The amount of time spent weeping has lessened. I still cry for my son, but it is much less frequent and maybe sometimes a little less intense than before.

4. My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. We have literally been through the darkest point that parents could ever face and we have come out of it with our marriage still in tact. That is an accomplishment as I can honestly say that there were some really bleak points, but now I feel we can weather almost anything as long as we hold on to each other and Christ.

5. I have also realized that just because you are a Christian does not mean life will be perfect. There has never been a promise that we will have to endure pain, just that God will be there to help us through it. I am going to close this post with a quote. I do not know the source, but I think it speaks volumes.

"I think we, even more so as Christians, fail to acknowledge God's sovereignty. He owns everything. And he owes us nothing. Every moment, breath, and heartbeat is grace which was bought on the cross. But we do have this promise- that when all things fade, we will have a Savior. And in that salvation-and in God- we can still rejoice."


Shannon said...

You're amazing. You WILL see Mason again. no doubt in that. A strong marriage and a deep love for each's beautiful and not something that just happens. Hard work and strong dedication. xoxo

Stephanie Shaw said...

Shannon, you have no idea how encouraging you are to me. xoxo right back.