Wisconsin-Nerves

Tomorrow I fly out to Wisconsin for what may turn out to be the biggest interview of my life. I land in Milwaukee and then drive the rest of the way which is a couple of hours. Nerves are killing me. Some stuff has happened that has made it really important to us to get this job. Yes, it will mean moving almost 800 miles away, but we really need this opportunity. So I am asking all of my friends to pray for us. Pray that I keep my nerves in check in order to answer their questions well. Pray for smooth travels, and most importantly, please pray for God's will in all of this. I will keep you guys posted.

I did not manage to get a blog posted on Thanksgiving so I am going to do it now. I realize it is not very original to post a blog talking about what you are thankful for, but I think it is an important thing to do so I am going to follow the crowd.

1. I am thankful for the gift of salvation. I am so thankful that my husband and two of my children have accepted this gift and I am excited to watch my family grow even more in their walks.

2. I am so thankful for my husband. He is truly a great man and the envy of a lot of my friends. He is kind and caring and exciting and passionate all wrapped into one.

3. I am so grateful for my family's health. This is especially poignant after what we have been through with loss.

4. I am thankful that my husband has a job in this economy, and I am thankful for the opportunity for us that may lie in Wisconsin.

5. And finally, I am thankful for my friends and family. It was so nice to have most of my family together this week. I loved getting to spend time with my nieces and nephews and Jamie and Linda have had the most fun playing with the herd.

That's all for now. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

3 years

It has been three years since the birth, and loss of my son Mason. I am not sure what to put here. I want to acknowledge his birthday and praise God for the time that I had with him. It was so precious to me and I am so thankful to hold you and kiss your sweet face for those few hours. Acknowledging the happiness also means acknowledging the sadness as well. I miss him. I miss him so much that it physically hurts sometimes. So I have decided that this blog post on his birthday will talk about what has changed in the past three years.


1. My ability to feel happiness has changed. In the first few months after losing Mason, it honestly felt like I would never be happy again. There was a horrible deep ache inside of me that consumed every other emotion. I can honestly say that now I feel happiness, it is a different kind of happiness. It feels like there like there is always something lurking in the background waiting to bring me crashing back to earth, but there has been progress.

2. I always held fast to the promise of Heaven, to the promise that I would be reunited with him, but it felt so far away. It was almost like I was looking at the other side through a dense fog. Three years later after some healing the fog is much clearer. It still seems far away, but now I can realize things like he is more alive than any of us. He is basking in the love of Christ daily. He is literally in Son-light. I can have some peace about that now.

3. The amount of time spent weeping has lessened. I still cry for my son, but it is much less frequent and maybe sometimes a little less intense than before.

4. My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been. We have literally been through the darkest point that parents could ever face and we have come out of it with our marriage still in tact. That is an accomplishment as I can honestly say that there were some really bleak points, but now I feel we can weather almost anything as long as we hold on to each other and Christ.

5. I have also realized that just because you are a Christian does not mean life will be perfect. There has never been a promise that we will have to endure pain, just that God will be there to help us through it. I am going to close this post with a quote. I do not know the source, but I think it speaks volumes.

"I think we, even more so as Christians, fail to acknowledge God's sovereignty. He owns everything. And he owes us nothing. Every moment, breath, and heartbeat is grace which was bought on the cross. But we do have this promise- that when all things fade, we will have a Savior. And in that salvation-and in God- we can still rejoice."

Diamond Rio- One More Day With Lyrics

Tommorrow is Mason's birthday. It is also the anniversary of his passing. This song says exactly what I am feeling tonight.

Job hunt Update

Well, we have been praying about job opportunities since I was laid off. I had been applying out of state, but not really expecting anything to come out of it. Well, it turns out I was wrong. I have had two interviews with a company in Wisconsin by the phone, and now in December they are flying me to Milwaukee, proving a rental car for the rest of the trip and then putting me up in a Holiday Inn for the night. I will drive to the company in the morning for a series of five interviews lasting about 5 hours. Yikes, it sounds like they are pretty serious. It is a great company, very stable and I would be doing what I did in my former job. The pay is great, the cost of living is lower than average and the town is a little small town located on one of the great lakes. It is a very close knit community that is big on hunting and fishing. It sounds perfect, except it is not here. We would miss friends and family, but I think the hardest thing would be leaving Mason's gravesite. I know he is not there, but taking care of it is all I have left to do for him as his mother. Wow, so many decisions potentially coming up. Jake is very much on board with moving especially since the community is so into fishing and hunting. We pulled the local paper's website and right on the home page were pictures of the 10 and 12 point bucks bagged so far this year. Nothing is set in stone by any means, there are a lot of things that need to fall into place, but I wanted to give a heads up that the potential is there. By the way, the picture from this post is an actual photo of the town. Let me know your feedback.

Sometimes the best fun to be had can be in your own back yard. Case in point:

Cool Cruiser




"She's Not Heavy, She's My Sister!"






"Hey Dad"



"Whoa..."



Backyard Cup





Mina Glued To Daddy's Side







That's it for now. Have a great day!

Mason's Story Part 6

The funeral had begun. It started with the first song and then our pastor began to speak. If you are wondering how I can remember details, I have the funeral on CD and I listen to it often. Our pastor introduced us and Mason. He stated that when I announced I was pregnant a chorus a "hallelujahs" rang out in the church...and he felt that was still applicable today. I am a very open person with my friends, and a lot of my friends are from the church so most of the church knew of Jake and I's fertility troubles. Several knew we had done fertility treatments. Everyone was so happy for us when we found out we were pregnant and even more so when we made it past the first trimester. When we made it far enough along to find out the sex they were as ecstatic as we were. When it was told that I was in the hospital and that Mason was not expected to survive, I was flooded with visitors and phone calls. I felt so loved and prayed for. That is what my pastor was referring to.

After the introductions, the second song was played. We chose "A Living Prayer" by Alison Krouse. It is not your usual choice of song, but we had specific reasons for picking it. The song says "Take my life and let it be, a living prayer, My God to Thee." We wanted Mason's life to have meaning. That song was for me more that anyone, it would be a reminder to keep on going and to find a way for Mason's story to help people. It is what led me to start this blog, and what keeps me meeting with other women to help them through it. More next time.

Our blogs are really reaching people

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/health/fl-nbcol-baby-loss-brochu-1105-20101105,0,9071.column

Christmas Gift Note to Family

This is my annual Christmas blog to discuss gift giving. Jake and I through discussion with most of our family members have decided that this year will again be one DVD per family for the nieces and nephews. This means that all we want from the aunts and uncles with children is one DVD for all of the children to share, and we will be giving the same thing to our nieces and nephews. All of them, on both sides of the family. I am not playing games like last year, so this year I am saying it plainly, anything else will be donated to charity. Period. It is not fair for the families that can afford big gifts to buy them while the families that can't look like horrible aunts and uncles. 90% of the family agrees with me on both sides and will be following the same rules. If you have a problem with it, I am sorry, but this is our house and therefore our rules. I hope that everyone can be mature and respect other's wishes this year so we can all have a peaceful holiday season.

chorioamnionitis and Incompetent Cervix

I have reading posts from a lot of women who are terrified of chorioamnionitis. In layman's terms, chorioamnionitis is a infection within the uterus during pregnancy. It is especially complicated for women with Incompetent Cervix. I am going to try to discuss it in easy to understand terms below. My hope is that it will provide information and maybe ease some minds.

The first reason it is complicated to a woman with IC is the confusion it causes while trying to get a diagnosis of IC. Because the infection can actually cause labor-including dilation, it can make doctors leery to diagnose a woman with IC. It really is a chicken or an egg problem. Did an incompetent cervix opening up allow bacteria to enter the utuerus causing the chorioamnionitis, or did the chorioamnionitis cause premature labor opening the cervix? Doctors are hesitant to perform a cerclage for future pregnancies if there is even a little possibility that something other than IC caused the dilation.

The second reason is the fear it can cause a woman after a cerclage has been placed. If infection occurs, the cerclage may have to be removed which would result in a second loss. Some doctors place the woman on preventative antibiotics, but most don't. Doctors don't like to introduce chemicals into a woman's body long term without just cause.

Now for my experiance. With Mason, the test results came back positive for severe infection in the uterus, ambilical chord, birth canal, and Mason himself was septic. However, you must remember that I was dilated for almost two weeks before I had the placental abruption which ended the pregnancy, and Mason's life. For my pregnancy with the twins, I had the cerclage, but was not placed on antibiotics. Infection did not occur this time. Anytime you introduce something into the birth canal there is a risk so I was very nervous about cervical checks, but my doctor was careful.

I hope this helps explain things and ease your mind. Feel free to post questions.

Halloween 2010

I don't think I need to post an extended blog about Halloween. Everyone knows the drill, you dress up, you go trick or treating. I have already told you about the kiddos costumes. (Linda is a HSM Cheerleader, Jamie is a soldier, Noah and Mina were monkeys). The only thing of real interest is that Jamie begged to have his hair cut really short like "Uncle Miah". So without further ado, I present you the photos.