Sunday, March 14, 2010

Not So Sweet Dreams

I have realized that you can act better all day long, and fool yourself in the daytime, but you can't mask how you feel in your dreams. Dreams are a funny thing. If there is someone I am mad at, I will have dreams of finally telling them off, if it is someone I love, I have dreams of the best time ever with them. My dreams truly reflect the emotions of the day.

I feel like dreams also can relay your deepest fears and insecurities. One of the things I have struggled with since Mason is a horrible fear that something will happen to one of my other children. I have not slept good in over a year because of trying to make sure the babies were ok at night. They didn't even move out of our room until they were nine months old. I poured over every source of information about SIDS I could find in order to do anything I could to keep them safe. And it doesn't stop at the babies either. Jamie and Linda feel the brunt of it sometimes too. For instance, they want to ride their bikes to school with their friends, but I panic at the thought and all I can think about is kidnappings that you see on TV. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to let them climb the tree in our yard. A lot of times people think I am strict, when I am really just afraid.

The other night I had the most terrible dream about Noah. It was basically what happened with Mason, but with Noah at the age he is now. I dreamed he was hurt and no one would help him. The doctors kept saying he was too little, that there was nothing they could do and I was holding my 15 month old son and begging them to help him. I was crying and pleading and so terrified in my dream. I finally woke up and just laid there trying to remember to breath. When Noah got up I just held him for as long as he would let me. So I guess no matter how good I have gotten at coping during the day, I can never escape the raw emotion I feel in my dreams.


Dianne said...

I pray for you Steph. I don't blame you for having these fears. I have some of the same ones with Zach, but I am sure yours are intensified due to what you have been through. You are a very strong woman and I admire you for that. I think you are great with your children. All you can do is cope the best way you know how. Love you!


Stephanie Shaw said...

Thank you honey. Sisters like you really help a lot.