With Thanks

I have so many things to be thankful for. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband. He is the kind of man every woman should have and a wonderful father. You can see that in the way the kids light up when he is home. I am thankful that he has a job in this economy and I am thankful for the time I have had with my children. I am also very thankful for unemployment that has kept us floating these last six months.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. In paticular my wonderful sisters who keep me feeling young. For Kimmie who shows me how to be more Christlike with her her selflessness and the way she gives so much of herself to others without expecting anything in return. For Aunt Rhonnie who is always there with love and advise and an ear to listen. For Becky who is such a strong woman and is teaching me to be the same. For Dianne who is the Thelma to my Louise and who is always there to talk, sometimes for hours a day. I would do anything for you guys. For the rest of my family and friends who have supported us so much these past couple of years.

I am so thankful for my church family and the way I always feel at home when I am with them. I am so thankful for each of my children who bless me in so many different ways. I am thankful to our family counselor who has made such a difference in our family and is cementing all of us together. Most of all I am thankful to my Savior who loves me unconditionally in a way I could never earn. I am thankful for His mercy and the lessons he teaches me everyday. So much to be thankful for, I am truly blessed.

We Had A Ball

This weekend we went to the ball. Us girls were characters out of Alice in Wonderland-with our own spin of course. It was a great time and I have lots of pictures so here goes.

Video Blog

A wonderful relative has given us a super nice camcorder. Thank you so much, we love you!It is the kind that allows you to upload video to the computer, ours was an old one requiring video tapes. So without further ado, for the first time I will post videos. I have something for everyone. Kid's dancing, Noah walking, babies fighting, and more. So sit back and enjoy.

Mason's Story-The Aftermath Part 2

The funeral plans were made. We were asked if we wanted a viewing or an open casket and we said no. I did not think I was strong enough to see my son like that. The next day was the day before Thanksgiving. I was to drop off music for the service. I went by myself because I was just feeling smothered by family and Jake. All I wanted to do was curl in a ball and be alone with my grief. The original plan was that my mother would go to the funeral home later that day to view Mason and make sure he was tucked in with the blankets we had bought for him and basically put my mind at ease that he was warm and secure in his casket. When I went to drop off the music for the funeral, the director told me that Mason was in the viewing room and I could see him if I changed my mind. I am not sure what compelled me to do so, but all of the sudden the need to see him again became stronger than almost any feeling I had ever had before.

The director had me wait outside while she readied him. She led me into the room and left quietly shutting the door behind her. I slowly made my way to the tiny, pearl white casket and look inside. There was Mason looking so peaceful and beautiful, like a perfect little sleeping doll. I hesitantly lifted my hand and stroked his cheek with my index finger. His cheek felt so cold against my finger and I broke down as a wave of grief came over me. I knelt down on the floor, rested my forehead on his casket and just wept for my son. The pain in my chest was indescribeable. I cried until no more tears would come. My body felt dry, completely devoid of moisture.

I gathered my strength, both physical and emotional and stood up. I leaned over and lightly brushed a kiss on the top of Mason's head. I soaked in his face, his lips, his little bit of red hair. I lifted the blanket and held his tiny little hand. His perfect hand. I held his hand and marveled at his perfectly formed finger nails. I felt such a need to memorize every detail. I knew I would not be able to come back and do this another day. The funeral director came back in and asked me if I wanted to hold him. I very much wanted to, but I had been gone a long time and I knew my family would be worried about me. I told her I would go home-about 3 miles away and come back after I let my family know where to find me.

I went home and my mother and Jake seemed concerned about the state they found me in. I am sure I was a sight with my eyes all swollen and my face tear streaked. I told them I had seen Mason and they were concerned. They thought I wasn't going to see him. I tried to explain why I had to, but they were just so concerned about my mental state at that time. I tried to get Jake to come to the funeral home with me, but he refused. He did not want to see his son like that. I remember feeling resentment at him for missing such an important thing. I realize now he was coping the best he could. He and my mother kept telling me they did not think it was such a good idea to hold him. They were worried that he would not feel like I remember and Jake says he was worried that it would further unravel my already fragile mental state. I tried to argue but Jake begged me not to, for him he said. I finally consented. I know they were trying to look out for me, but I regret not holding him to this day.

I returned to the funeral home about eleven in the morning. I would stay there all day with my son until they closed at eight in the evening. There is still much to tell about that day in another post. Right now I need some time.

Whole Again

The week is slowly dragging on. Each day the grief seems to intensify. Thursday is Mason's birthday. I have been having nightmares again. They were really bad for the first six months or so, then they seemed to fade, but every year they seem to return around the anniversary of his birth/death. It makes for a very tired mom. I am thankful for family and friends that remember and spend time with me just talking about him and making sure I know they are here for us. During the day it is not as bad, the kids keep me busy, but nights are hard and seem to drag on forever. I get so frustrated when people say something like, well you have Noah and Mina now like that fixes everything. Don't get me worng, I am so blessed by each and every one of my children, but there is still a hole in my heart, and a family member missing. There is a song that says "Can we not wait one more hour, watching for our savior?" That is so true, I cannot wait until the day my family is reunited and whole again.

2 Years.....

2 years ago today began the worst week of my life. 2 years ago today I was put into the hospital and told that Mason would not survive. IC stole something from me. This whole week is incredibly painful, but honestly better than I thought it would be two years ago. 2 years ago I honestly thought I would never have peace in my heart again. I literally was drowning in my own grief. I have still cried every day for several days now. I am still heartbroken. I am still homesick for heaven because I cannot wait to be reunited with my son, but I am least functionable. There are times when I am even happy. There are times when I laugh...and mean it instead of laughing because I know people worried about me when I didn't. I can hold Noah now and not constantly be wondering if that is what Mason would have looked like at that age. If you are looking for chipper blogs, don't come here for the next week or so, I am not that healed. For at least the next week, my mind is elsewhere and my heart is heavy. Those of you who I know have experianced the same thing will understand. All of my other dear readers please be patient with me, I need it right now. And while you are at it, say some prayers for Jake and I.

Masquerade

Jake has a cousin who has a photography studio here in town. She does excellent work. This year she and a fellow business owner are hosting a Masquerade ball. I am so excited. Jake's cousins and I spent the day shopping trying to find the perfect gowns to wear. I haven't got to wear a gown since I got married, and I am really a prissy girly-girl at heart so I cannot wait for the big event. The cousins and I are doing a grown up Alice in Wonderland theme. Becky is Alice, Kimmie is the Mad Hatter and I am the Cheshire Cat. Becky is wearing a corset top with a taffeta petticoat skirt that she is making super cute. Kimmie is wearing a gorgeous black halter top gown with a men's suit jacket and a cute little sequined top hat. I am wearing a beautiful strapless gown with a full skirt with taffeta underneath to make it poof out. The best part is....I got it on clearance! Woohoo! I am so excited for the big event. It is going to be a great time out with family and friends. I will post pics of Jake and I and his family in our costumes after.

Halloween Highlights

It was so nice to have Halloween on a Saturday this year. We were able to visit all of our friends and family in the afternoon which left plenty of time for trick or treating. We visited my Uncle and his family, my grandparents, Jake's aunts, my old babysitter who is more like family, and Jake's cousins. The kids got to show them their costumes and get treats at every house. Then Jake and Mike loaded the babies in the stoller and it was off to trick or treat. My cousin and I followed behind in the car due to my bum knee. I was really upset about that because last year I was on bedrest and had to stay behind for trick or treating so it seemed really unfair to be laid up this year.

The kids made out so good! When I was a kid it was only the rich houses that gave out candy bars so you had mostly suckers and gummy things with a few chocolate bars. My kids on the other hand had only a few things that weren't chocolate out of 4 dillon's sacks worth of candy. Tons of snickers, M & M's, Paydays, Reeses, and other candy bars. Yum. We are going to be rolling in the candy for awhile.

After trick or treating we met up with Jake's cousins at our house and watched scary movies late into the night. Good thing it was time change so we at least snagged an extra hour of sleep. Here are a lot of pics for you to enjoy.