Two Steps Forward

We have been in counseling with Linda for several months. We have a great family counselor who really helps us find ways to reach Linda, without judgement or condemnation. Linda had been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder when she was younger. That is a really scary prognosis as the behaviors that accompany it can be very extreme. She has also been diagnosed with ADHD. Our family counselor is so supportive. He feels you cannot properly diagnose a child with something like RAD until they are much older. That is such a relief.

One of the things about Linda is she is very affectionate..with people that are not a threat to her. What I mean by that is people that she doesn't see everyday so she is not afraid of getting attached to them and getting hurt if they leave. For those of us such as my husband and I, or teachers, ect, she is usually very stand offish, only usually showing affection if she wants something. A hug followed by a "Mommy, can I (fill in the blank)" It has made it very hard to be affectionate.

It is so easy for people to judge in this situation. The child that they see is not what the teachers, or we see. They have never had to be the ones to try and get her to follow rules, or do her work, or eat, or get dressed, or sleep which she never does. We get a lot of flack for being so strict. It is so easy to pass judgement when you have never walked in our shoes. Any expert on RAD will tell you that the child needs very clear, consistent rules with no room for loopholes. You may be able to tell your child they can ride their bike up and down the block and let it be at that. I have to say "You can ride from here, to here. Do not go in people's driveways, do not go in people's houses, do not ask strangers for anything, and do not leave your bike down the street alone." It sounds like a lot of strict rules to an outsider, however, I have learned from experiance to eliminate any loopholes because she has usually done one of the things I mentioned.

Another thing that is recomended is to enforce consequences. I cannot let her slide by with breaking a rule if it is one she knows well. To do so will only make her push it further the next time. By being consistent with discipline, she learns boundaries and actually spends less time in trouble. Everytime we have thought maybe we were too strict and let things slide, she has pulled major stunts that make the whole house miserable.

Like I said, it is so easy for someone to judge, but until you have been in our house for a long period of time, don't. There are reasons for every rule we have. They might not be the same rules you would have, but she is not the same as your child. No children are the same, and no parenting technique will work on every child.

I titled this one Two Steps Forward because lately, she has been hugging us just for the sake of being affectionate. There has been no "Can I's" just simple affection. An "I love you" has even crossed her lips several times and I really think she means it. I am so excited at this progress and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Summer Break Begins

So I am taking a break from the babies' story and posting a normal blog. Jamie and Linda's last day of school was Friday. All I can say is thank goodness! It has been a horrible year. Linda has struggled so much this year (and every other year). We have fought with her school psychlogist for two years to try and get her help. She just cannot sit still and do her work. I am not sure what is her ADHD and what is Linda, but no amount of discipline has made even the littlest ding in her behaviors.

We have sought a family counselor to help her and help us parent her better. Normal parenting techniques just do not work with her. She has no impulse control and frankly does what wants regardless of right and wrong. Now on the whole she is a good kid, but she just can't seem to self regulate. She is always bouncing and moving and comes off as immature to the other kids her age. She gets picked on for it, but yet still can't seem to control it. She does poorly in her classes as well because everything is a distraction for her. Her pencil box was the biggest battle for her and her teachers.

She also does poorly during testing. It is hard to see what level she is really at because she will pretend she can't do things, or doesn't know things for attention. I was told she struggles in reading and has to sound out even basic words. But if she is in the mood, she will pick up books in her bedroom and I will hear her reading at a level way beyond what she tested at and not needing to sound out anything. Linda craves attention and positive, or negative doesn't matter.

Back to the testing, we had her tested for special education to try and get her one on one help so she could excel. The psychologist says that Linda's behaviors such as innattention, impulsivity, executive function, and peer relations are at an extremely elevated level. She is considered was out of bounds with her behaviors compared with those of her peers. Ok, so I get it, surely this means she will help right. No, she then goes on to say that further information will be gathered next year, but services are not recommended at this time. What! How can she excel if everyone acknowledges that she needs special help, but no one will give it to her.

Linda cannot continue at the path she is on. She gets picked on for her impulsiveness and this has to bother her. I just do not know what to do. The psychologist is retiring and there will be a new one next year. Maybe they will be more willing to help. In the meantime we will keep working with the counselor over the summer to try and help her overcome any issues with her past.

R.A.D.

Linda has been diagnosed with possible Reactive Attachment Disorder. This comes with a variety of interesting and aggravating behaviors. Basically, these children have been hurt so bad in their lives that they are scared to attach to anyone or anything. So they try to push away the ones that try to love them. Linda has been on hunger strike lately. Apparently the control over us and not being able to make her eat is more important that food to her. Sigh, it is very frustrating, but if we show we are frustrated than she wins. God give me strength....