Monday, January 30, 2012

A horrible thing to miss

I think only the other mommies who share my journey in grief might understand this. I moved to a different state a year ago. My son is buried in my home state. This sound a little crazy, but I miss his gravesite.

I know that seems like an odd thing to say, but try to see it from my perspective. When your child is gone, your feeling as a mother are not. You still have the same need to take care of him or her as you would any living child. The feeling does not go away, even years after. As the mother of a child who is with God, I was left wrestling with the need to be his mother here on earth. The only way I could still "take care" of him was through his gravesite.

I visited it almost daily. I picked weeds, changed decorations, brushed off leaves, and wiped the dust off. I would pray, cry, talk to him, and sometimes just sit and let the quiet ease my soul. I crave that time now. I know that I am blessed with great friends and family who care for it in my absense, but I am still left with the feeling of "What do I do now?......."


Shannon said...

thinking of you. love you steph.

Stephanie Shaw said...

Thank you so much Shannon. It means a lot.