A horrible thing to miss

I think only the other mommies who share my journey in grief might understand this. I moved to a different state a year ago. My son is buried in my home state. This sound a little crazy, but I miss his gravesite.

I know that seems like an odd thing to say, but try to see it from my perspective. When your child is gone, your feeling as a mother are not. You still have the same need to take care of him or her as you would any living child. The feeling does not go away, even years after. As the mother of a child who is with God, I was left wrestling with the need to be his mother here on earth. The only way I could still "take care" of him was through his gravesite.

I visited it almost daily. I picked weeds, changed decorations, brushed off leaves, and wiped the dust off. I would pray, cry, talk to him, and sometimes just sit and let the quiet ease my soul. I crave that time now. I know that I am blessed with great friends and family who care for it in my absense, but I am still left with the feeling of "What do I do now?......."

The Birds and the Bees

So let me set the scene. I had just gotten home from work. I got in comfy clothes, kissed everyone hello, and was just settling down with a drink for what I thought was a relaxing evening and then BAM!, it came from left field. "Mom", Jamie asked, "Did they cut the skin off of my penis when I was born?"

Whoa, whoa, what???!!!

"You know", he continued, "Do I have a circumcised penis?"

I am pretty sure the following is an accurate representation of my face.




I am also pretty sure that the following is an accurate representation of Jake's face as he realized he just dodged a bullet.




To continue with the story, I fumbled along the best I could under the circumstances. It turns out this week is the Human Growth and Development classes. I had signed the slip weeks ago eager to pawn off that task on someone else, but I had forgotten all about it being this week. I am so not old enough to be dealing with this! To top it all off, today is only Tuesday, there are still three more days of progressively more complicated stuff to come. I think now may be a good time to take up drinking....

No More Baby Curls and my favorite photo

I wanted to share with you my picture of Noah's haircut, and my favorite picture from our visit home.

More Pictures-Walleye Weekend

Every June our little town holds a festival called Walleye Weekend. We went and did a ton of stiff with the kids, but the highlight of this for the babies was the bus ride. They still ask for it. Jamie and Linda liked digging for coins and jewels in the sand pile. It was a great time with great friends. Be sure to notice the giant Mercury engine. Yep, you can tell I am proud.

Thanksgiving

I am sorry blogger friends and family. I have been a bad blogger lately. The trutgh is that I come home from work, spend time with the family, and then spend the rest of my night doing more work on the computer after the kiddos go to be. If I am not doing that, I am usually crashing. I am playing blogger catch-up.

A lot of you know we went home to Kansas over the Thanksgiving break. We had such a wonderful time seeing family and friends. We ate at our favorite restraurants, went to our home church and just saw everyone. Several nights we got together with my cousin, Jake's cousins, and Jake's best bud for board games. We played a newer game called Quelf and just laughed our tails off. I cannot remember the last time I have laughed so hard. I felt so wonderful to be home again and spending time with the ones we love.

After several days in Kansas, we were off to Missourri to spend the actual Thanksgiving with Jake's brother and family. Jake and his brother are really close, but he has been stationed in Hawaii for a few years and we did not get to visit them. In addition to the boys being close, my sister in law is my best friend so I was so excited to stay with them. The kids played so well and it is so close to see cousins who are so close in age getting to be together. After a couple of nights, Jamie and Linda went to stay and be spoiled by Grandma (my mom) and their aunts. The rest of us headed off to Branson. We visited the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum, did some shopping, and ate at a really neat restraurant called Lamberts.

Jeremiah and Dianne have a beautiful house that is kind of in the middle of the woods, There was plenty of room for everyone so nobody got on each others nerves. They have two huge spare bedrooms, and a seperate play room for the kiddos. Dianne cooked an amazing Thanksgiving dinner and we ate ourselves silly. It was all so0 easy and relaxed. Finally, we made it home for another vacation day to rest and relax.

It was a wonderful vacation and I cannot wait to see everyone again.

More Picture Pages

Ok, here goes part 2 of the picture sharing. Today, I am continuing the pictures from our local park. In addition to being lakeside and having an awesome lighthouse, the part also boasts a train, carousel, and a small petting zoo. The kiddos (mostly the babies) especially love the train. The older kids like the small amusement park ride. Here are some pics of our visits.

Picture Pages

I am going to be spending several posts trying to catch up posting all of the pictures that I missed while I was studying for the broker's test. Today, I am posting the pictures from when we went to the lighthouse in our town. Our town is centered around a big lake and it has the most beautiful lighthouse. We climbed to the top and enjoyed the view. It was a great family adventure.

Fall Fun

It does not get much more handsome than this.




"I got it, no I got it!"

National Infant Loss Memorial Day

Today is national infant loss memorial day. Tonight at 7 p.m. everybody is invited to light a candle in remembrance. Please join me as we light our candles to remember our Mason Landon.

The Diagnosis

Anyone who is close to us knows of the troubles we have had with Linda over the years. Her behaviors have just continued to worsen with age. This past year she did so badly in school that the only reason she moved on to the next grade is because of the No Child Left Behind laws. We had been seeing a counselor back home for several years and continued with him by phone when we moved. The goal was to give us new parenting techniques for her. Finally he decided it was time to take her to a psychologist for a psychological evaluation. Traditional techniques were just not working.

It took us several months to get in. We finally had our appointment last month. We had been keeping a diary of her behaviors for several months. The psychologist interviewed us and then Linda separately. It took several hours. We came back several days later for the diagnosis. Linda has been diagnosed as having Childhood Bi-polar disorder(moderate to severe), Reactive Attachment Disorder(mild to moderate)and ADHD (moderate).

This is not what we wanted to hear. Childhood bipolar is very serious. Teenagers who have had bipolar since childhood have an alarmingly high rate of suicide. It is so high that they say a child has a better chance of surviving childhood cancer than childhood bipolar. Add RAD and ADHD to the mix and she is going to be very difficult to treat.

The only good news is that when treated early, the risk of suicide goes down. It was recommended that we see a psychiatrist who can place Linda on medication. At this time, this is the route we are going to pursue.

I know the amount of judgement that comes when parents choose to allow their child to be put on medication. All I can say is that this is not something we have gone into lightly. We have spent six years reading every book, meeting every doctor, seeing every counselor, and saying every prayer trying to help her. It has not worked. At this point, if medication will help, we are ready to try it.

This is a very touchy subject with us. We are more than happy to talk about our situation, but we will not put up with any judgement as to our decision to follow the advice of medical experts. We simply cannot. We are tired. We are tired of the stress, the fear, and the moods that tear our house apart. If medication is what it takes, then so be it. I would ask people who have a negative opinion to think about this, if she was diabetic there would be no judgement if we treated that. This is a disease, just one you cannot see from the outside. I would also ask you to remember that you do not live in our house. You do not see the day to day issues that we deal with. We have had teachers, counselors, and psychologist tell us this is the way to go. We stand by our decision.

As always, we are open to honest discussion and concerns, but we will not put up with maliciousness or rudeness. I know the people that have spent the most time with us realize that we need help. I would ask all of you to be supportive and pray for our family. If you cannot be supportive, I would ask you to refrain from judgement. The last thing our family needs in this time is added stress and drama. Please pray for the doctor to make a wise choice, and please pray for our family as we transition. I hope this is the help that we seek.

Go Brewers!

I have gotten to do some amazing things here. The neat thing about moving to a whole other area of the country is getting to see and try things I never had before. This last weekend I got to go to my first Major League Baseball game. Not only did I get to go, but I got to go in style. Our broker's invited us as a client appreciation get together. The only down side was that it was employees only so I did not get to bring Jake. There was a get together before the game, and then our seats for the game were so amazing. They were in the Airtran Landing Zone. These seats are right on right field. They are so close that you can see the sweat on the right fielder. They also were not stadium seats, they were tables and high back stools because there was a free buffet and bar right in the zone. I am not sure if I have ever felt so important. We had no have not one, but two different neck badges and a bracelet to make it through security to get into the landing zone. There was a security gaurd standing right outside the entrance to our seats just to prevent people from getting in.

Added to the amazing night was the fact that it was a huge game for the Brewers. If they won, and St. Louis lost their game that night, the Brewers would be the District Champions for the first time in 29 years. The Brewers ended up beating the Marlins and the place went crazy. The the most incredible thing happened-nobody went home! They turned on the St. Louis game on the giant screen and everyone waited with baited breath to see the outcome of that game. St. Louis was playing the Chicago Cubs who are the Brewers biggest rivals due to how close they are. It was the first time in most peoples lives they were rooting for the Cubs (only temporarily). After a couple of nervous innings-the Cubs won! This means the Brewers are the district champions!!

The stadium erupted! Confetti, streamers, and fireworks were flying all around the stadium. People were crying and hugging. The team was spraying each other with champagne and the cheering lasted for half an hour. Awesome! Here are a few pictures of my experiance. I am all sweaty and yucky, but I don't care, it is worth it to share the experiance with you guys.


Outside Miller Stadium





Standing right behind the News Team



Picture of the Wisconsin "newbies" enjoying their first Brewer game- check out how close we are...Awesome

Our Life in Pictures-Gosh Gosh

We went to the park in Oshkosh (Noah calls it Gosh Gosh). The park is lakeside and has rides, an awesome playground designed to look like a castle, a little zoo, and a beach for swimming. It is one of the nicest parks I have ever seen. The kids had a blast and here are some shots of our adventures.