Pieces of Mind

Wow, I have blessed these past few weeks. My glass sales are picking up which is keeping me really busy. I have had several orders for special projects. It is really great to earn income doing something I enjoy while staying home. The art community is very helpful and encouraging of new artists entering the field. I am thankful for all of the help. I don't have time to do a long blog, but here are a few of the pieces I have done.

Ockle Djake

What an exciting past few weeks it has been. It started when my SIL Dianne came from Hawaii and brought my nephew Zach. They stayed with us and it was so much fun watching the kiddos play. The first time Jeremiah was deployed after they were married, Jake was on the road Monday-Friday as well. We would spend almost every night together. Our friendship was always so easy. Most nights we would sit in our twin recliners and watch TV and cross-stitch. Something as simple as that was made infinietly better by having a dear friend to do it with. Well they had been stationed in Hawaii for several years and I had missed her so much. However, it says a lot about our hearts for each other when she came and we picked right back up where we left off like it was only yesterday. She would sit in the recliner and do homework and I would do my glass work and we didn't even have to talk to enjoy each other's company. I have missed her so much.

We held a birthday party for Zach with a cars cake and theme. I think he had a great time and made out like a bandit. I have pictures, but I haven't uploaded them yet. The babies and Zach are very close in age and grew to be very close. Zach would get up in the morning and say "Hi Mina!" every morning. When Zach would leave and come back, the babies would stand by the front door and look at us and go "Where Zack?". It is stinkin cute, but sad because they keep asking for him.

Zach is a little ham and talks very well. He would get up and snuggle with me in the couch, but "Ockle Djake" was where the fun was. Jake was very aware of the fact that Zach is missing his Daddy and so he treated Zach exactly like one of ours. Jake and all three babies would be rolling on the floor, Jake would toss them in the air, and Jake even bathed the threee of them together. Jake really wanted to be there as a good uncle to Zach. I was very touched at the amount of love and attention Jake made sure Zach got from out family.

When it was time to leave I cried like a baby. Zach was probably wondering why aunt Stephy is hugging him and bawling like a baby. I will miss them so much, but I know that they will be back soon. I would like to take this time to thank all of the friends and family who made their trip special. I know Jeremiah appreciates the love given to his wife and son in his absence. If he can't be here, I know he is glad to know he can count on his friends and family to support them. It was really a great time.

NICU

There is a new show on cable called NICU. It follows babies born who have to go to the NICU. It is a very informative show about what life is like for babies and parents who have to spend time in the NICU.

A lot of the babies were born prematurely. Some to mothers who have Incompetent Cervix. It makes me sad when I see babies who were only a few days older than Mason survive and go home eventually, but it also opens my eyes to the struggles these babies face. It also makes me realize how awesome our God is. My babies were born almost 6 weeks premature and did not have to go to the NICU. There are babies who are born only a few weeks early spending time there and I realize just how blessed we were. It is truly amazing what God had to overcome to bring Noah and Mina into this world healthy. I truly thank Him for his mercy and love.

I encourage anybody who might be facing prematurity, or has a relative facing premature delivery to check it out. I think the information both scientific, and emotional will help anybody facing this trial. When you see what can happen, it makes you realize what a miracle we are.

Aunt Jennifer is Awesome!

My cousin Jennifer is not working this summer so she has been taking Jamie and Linda on all sorts of adventures. They have been to fairs, and McDonald's, and Spangles, and the Indian Center. Jamie announced that she is awesome. Here are some photos of their adventures.

Questions From Readers about the Cerclage

I have gotten a lot of questions since being featured on the Faces of Loss site. Some I will not answer yet because I haven't gotten to that point in the story, but today I am focusing on the cerclage so I can answer them.

What kind of cerclage did you have?

I had the double McDonald stitch. It was done by a perinatologist at 15 weeks. I had an epidural for the procedure.

Did the cerclage hurt?

The actual procedure did not hurt. The epidural did, but it was bearable. The procedure is uncomfortable, but mostly for the fears that go along with it.

Were you worried about the risks of the cerclage?

I was terrified. There is a risk of infection and a risk of them breaking your water during the procedure and the pregnancy ending right there. However, to go without the cerclage meant certain death for my babies so there was really no choice.

Who was your OB/GYN and would you recommend them?

I had a fabulous OB who took my case very seriously seeing me every week through the first and second trimester. I do not want to post his name on here because it reveals where I live to the internet world, but if you send me a message with your e-mail I will send it to you.

Was there any pain after the procedure?

The was some cramping and occasional sharp pains, nothing too bad though.

How about pain long term after the removal?

I did have sharp pains afterwards that continued until my hysterectomy. The were mainly sharp stabbing pains if I sat wrong, or during intimate times. I think maybe it was from scar tissue. Because they took my cervix as well during the hysterectomy there is no more pain.

Do you think bedrest was necessary?

I 100% think it was! I was dilated to the stitch at 22 weeks with funneling when they applied pressure to my abdomen. Funneling is where the cervix tries to open up when pressure is place. Bedrest took a lot of pressure off of my stitch and my cervix. Although it was miserable, I truly believe it saved my babies.

That is all for this round, if you have further questions about anything feel free to send them to me and I will try to get them answered in future blog posts. Have a great weekend!

Chocolate Makes It All Better

Hello my faithful friends. I am sorry for not posting in so long. I have been following your blogs though, I just have not had time to do one of my own. Last week was my church's Vacation Bible School. I was a crew leader so the babies spent the week in the nursery. It went ok, there were a lot of tears, but by the end of the week they seemed to do a little better. Better than mom anyway who caved in the last hour and went and got them early. It was a really neat experience, I am glad I got to serve in that way. It is so neat to see adults dressing up, singing and dancing all for the service of others. It was equally neat to see the children singing and worshipping God with the enthusiasm and openness that only children can do.

The babies picked up a virus so we have been laying low this week. So far it has not been too bad though. We think Noah may be allergic to hay though. He spent some time with some hay bales and when he came home he had scratched that had welted up everywhere the hay touched him and a terrible runny nose. Poor little guy, no more rolling in the hay for him for awhile, at least not without allergy medicine first. We are supposed to be having family photos taken this weekend, but I am not sure if that will be a go with all of the snot. The babies are also learning new words everyday, and can sign about 40 words. I am very pleased with how they are doing developmentally for preemies.

I have been very busy with my art and have completed several more pieces. I was very excited to start selling them and it is so cool when I see one of my pieces for sale in a fancy gallery. I am also doing stained glass now and have made some beautiful panels. Kimmie and I are talking about selling our two ceramic kilns and buying one digital one that is more suited for glass. I have also finally purchased a refurbished grinder so our workshop is taking place. We will spend this weekend trying to set up a work station in our basement until we move to the bigger house.

One night when the babies were sick, Jake and Aunt Kimmie decided to give them some pudding in a bowl and see how they liked it. The definitely liked it. I am still finding pudding in odd places though. Here are some pics of the night that I thought were too cute not to share. I plan on resuming normal blogging in the next few days, until then, enjoy.

Wow....Look at that face!



"How did that get there? No worries, I can get it."



Noah is upset that his pudding is gone and is using sign language to tell us he wants more.



And finally he is full and very sleepy.

Faces of Loss

There is a blog that has been designed to show the faces of loss and tell their story. It takes the taboo out of talking about it and gives grieving parents a place to connect. Today our story was one of the stories featured on the blog. I am asking that all of my readers please take a moment to read one of the stories and pray for the family involved over the coming weeks. Thank you for your peace and comfort my God and please allow these families to begin to feel it as well.


http://facesofloss.blogspot.com/

Happy Birthday Jamie and Linda!

This weekend was Jamie and Linda's 9th birthday. Can you believe it?! Just because money is tighter, this year was a scaled down party. Family and friends that are like family gathered for a party on Sunday night. The kiddos got new gameboys, lots of game stop gift certificates, money, books, and toys. They wanted a Candyland cake and I am by no means a professional, but they really liked the way the cake turned out. A good time was had by all, and we were blessed by all of the people who could make it. Here are some pictures of their big day.

Sometimes I swear I am going crazy

All of you grieving mommies out there might be able to relate to this, or maybe I am just losing my mind. It has now been two and a half years since we said goodbye to our sweet Mason. Things are a little better in terms of how I am handling grief. However, some days, out of nowhere, I will just crash and with the crying and heartache I feel like I have been transported to square one. After a long cry I usually feel better. Sometimes though, the way I can go from just fine to heart broken makes me feel a little crazy. Maybe sometimes you just have to cry.

The First Fruits of My Labor

My first big fused pieces are finished. The first one is hard to photograph because the detail didn't show as well. The main glass is streaked gray reminiscent of rain. The shiny dichroic glass symbolizes rain and water pooling. Where the water pools at the bottom there are mountains, they just didn't show as well. The second piece is done with electric blue background. The pinwheels are each different types of dichroic glass. It has been so much fun. Tomorrow I take a stained glass class. I have already mained a stained glass panel on my own, but I am looking forward to learning from professionals. Enjoy!

"Stormy Nights"




"Pleasing Pinwheels"

Happy Independence Day

Oh I love a three day weekend. It is nice to get to have some family time. Jake was bummed because it rained the whole time and he wanted to go fishing, but what can you do? My mom and sister were down from MO this year so we had a family/friend dinner and then shot some fireworks which both excites, and annoys me. I love to shoot fireworks as much as the next person, but I saw so many people who were out of work, in debt, completely broke, and/or people who usually complain about being broke spending a ton of their money on fireworks. It drives me bonkers. I am not against people buying fireworks in principle, but it annoys me very much to see people who really need that money for something else essentially blowing it up. If you are caught up on your bills, have everything you need, and are not drowning in debt, than by all means enjoy yourself. The kicker is when there are people in my neighborhood whose kids I feed because their parents went to work and left no food in the house because there was no money that week blowing up hundreds of dollars in fireworks and drinking fifty dollars worth of beer. Ugghhh!!

On that note, Jake and I did not buy any fireworks this year. I am not working and so we decided there was more important things we needed. However, my friends and family who are not in debt, nor hurting for money did buy fireworks and we had a good time watching them shoot them off. The babies did pretty good with them which surprised me. Later that night after everything had settled down, Jake and I took time to pray for our soldiers who are fighting to keep America free. We prayed for his brother who is in Iraq right now, and for his sister-in-law and nephew who are without a husband and a father right now. Thank you Jeremiah for your service to your country. Thank you Dianne for your sacrifices as Jeremiah is serving. I am reminded of the verse "Greater love hath no man than he who would lay down his life for his friend." Thank you to all of the great men and women who are serving, or have served our country-the true reason for Independence Day celebrations.

Father's Day

We had a very relaxing and fun Father's Day this year. Movies, naps, pizza and then Jamie and Linda put on a puppet show for Jake. It was called "Hogging" and it was about a frog and a dog who go to Hogwarts and learn how to share. It was very cute, although you couldn't understand what they were saying in the last part because they were giggling so much. Sorry for the picture quality, they were moving targets. All in all it was a great day for a great father. I am so blessed that God brought me such a wonderful man to be the father of my children. He is truly one of the "hands on" dads. He can be counted on to do his share of everything from diapers, to middle of the night feedings, to baths, to stories, to playtime. His kids come before anything else including games on TV, video games, sleep. whatever. What a truly good role model he is for our boys.

Father's Day may have been relaxing, but this week has not been. I have spent the week doing laundry so that I can pack for Jamie and Linda's trip. They are going to spend a week with my mom in MO next week. My mom's church does an all day Bible camp for kids and they are finally old enough to go. We will meet Saturday in Joplin and trade Jamie and Linda for my youngest sister. My mom will bring them back the following weekend. The kids have never spent this much time away from me voluntarily before. I know that they will have fun. Jamie is already excited to go four-wheeling with Grandpa and Linda wants to stay the night at Aunt Karen's. In addition to all of this I have been getting ready to have a garage sale. I literally have bin after bin of baby and kid's clothes ready to sell. Hopefully all of the work will be worth it. Next week should be a little quieter around here.

TFC Creations

I spoke in an earlier post about the glass fusing class that Kimmie, Jordan and I are taking. needless to say, we fell in love with it. We have now expanded into making bowls, plates, windchimes, tiles, jewelry pendants and stained glass pieces. Today we had the find of the century. We found not one, but two kilns on Craigslist. We now have a smaller 110 kiln, and a larger 220 kiln which is huge. We also got a ton of ceramic molds as well. Where are we going to put these you ask? Thank goodness for the new house. In the new house, half of the basement is finished including carpet, there is also a finshed room for an office. The other half is not finished and we have decided that it will make a great work room for our projects. Finally I will have room to get back to my scrapbooking as well. There are already racks down there to store our supplies and add some tables, a radio, and a few chairs and voila, you have a studio. We have already made some beautiful pieces and I am excited to see how our venture grows. We are definitely ready to kick some glass.

Guest Blogger

From the blog "A Baby Named Nathan"

Weary


Why do we fret over the unknown? Is there some unwritten law that says once you've suffered something as unspeakable as the death of a child nothing is ever supposed to feel safe again? Why is it that I can trust God with just about everything else but when it comes to the health and well-being of my loved ones I lose all hope?

I have spent the last several weeks digesting what has been happening with everything from anxiety to full fledged panic as my mainstay emotions. I have not felt one ounce of peace and I can't help but feel somehow I have distanced myself from Him. I choose worry over faith. I choose panic over peace. I do this not because I want to feel these emotions but because they somehow give me a false sense of control over the situation. I have begged, pleaded and cried for peace to wash over me but I feel it wont happen until I'm willing to let go of control. The last two weeks have been racked with such intense emotions. I may be worrying for nothing but the waiting has given my mind time to wander every possible outcome this pregnancy could have. I have seen when things don't go right. I have read other moms stories of what can happen, and I have seen tragedy strike a family more than once. I am no longer naive to how horribly wrong this could all go. If you had told me a year ago that this would be my reality I would have said; "not me, things like that don't happen to me" Not that I felt immune to such awful things but that in my mind it was so rare. And in fact the way Nathan died was rare. I am learning more and more that no one is immune, and just because you've been through the fire once doesn't mean you cant go through it again.

I can't seem to gather or rationalize a single one of my thoughts. Somedays I feel as though my head could spin right off my shoulders. I want more than anything to feel like I'm normal and not like
I'm on my way to a little white room with padded walls. I feel like I could just scream from all the thoughts running around freely in my head. Is this my new normal? Is this the reality of the rest of my life? Will I always feel this out of control of my thoughts?

This journey of grief has been a long, painful, and at times a very lonely road. I have taken a few detours here and there but for the most part I am still very much on the path I began eight months ago. There are days where I look up to see if God is holding His hand out for me, but instead I see a dark night sky reaching down to swallow me in hopelessness. There are days when I press forward that I get a glimpse of light shining through the branches that cover me on this path. It is on those days when I can raise my chin up and shut the thoughts out if only for a moment. I haven't seen one of those days in a very long time and I'm growing quite weary on my journey. Hope seems fleeting the more I press forward. Somedays I wonder why I'm even moving at all. I suppose I do it for the hope that one day I will reach a clearing in the path and the light, His light, will shine down on me.

Wow, although I have not gotten to this point in telling Mason's story, it is coming up really soon. This blog post I felt I could have written. It shows how grief is all consuming. It shows how you want so badly to let go, but just can't. What a powerful and emotional post.

Mason's story-The Aftermath Part 5

The day after Thanksgiving was Mason's funeral. We had a dear family friend keep James and Linda because we felt that they were just not emotionally prepared to deal with the funeral of their little brother. We drove to the church, and I wept on the way. I just didn't want to have to do this, I just wanted so badly to close my eyes and have it all go away. We were the first people at the church. Mason's tiny casket was at the front. We went up their and sat in front of it, I wept some more. The lady from the funeral home came over and asked if I would like her to open the casket one last time. I said no. I am not sure why, I think I was just so overwhelmed that I couldn't take anymore. I wish now I would have said yes though and that haunts me sometimes.

We walked up to and placed our hands on his casket. We both prayed silently for Mason and for strength to endure. My family began to arrive. I can't remember what happened after that, the next thing I remember is being seated and the first song we selected began. The song is titled "Cry out to Jesus". It may seem like an odd song for a funeral, but we knew that there would be unsaved people at the funeral and we wanted to show them that even though we were broken, we still had faith. We wanted them to wonder how they could have that too. Later in the story I will not be so strong when tested. There was one line in particular that seemed like it was sang for us. I am not going to type the whole song, just the parts that spoke to us.

For every one whose lost someone they loved
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough,
when you said goodbye. ....

There is hope for the helpless,
rest for the weary,
and love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness,
mercy and healing.
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus, oh cry out to Jesus.

The first stanza is pretty obvious on why we chose it. The refrain however spoke especially to me. Hope for the helpless, I felt so helpless when they told me what was happening. I knew I was doing everything I could do, and it still wasn't enough.

Rest for the Weary. I was tired in every way a person could be tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his precious face. In my sleep I had viscous night terrors about the trauma. I was exhausted to a level I have never been to this day.

Love for the broken heart. When something like this happens, you truly feel like you will never be able to be happy again. Love is happiness. You have to allow your broken heart to feel again to be happy.

Grace and forgiveness. Every mother I have ever talked to who has gone through a loss related to IC feels partly, or wholly responsible. It is our jobs to protect our babies, and to have a perfect baby pass away because your body did not do its job leave you with a profound feeling of guilt and failure.

Mercy and healing. I needed to accept God's mercy before I could forgive myself and begin to heal.

He'll meet you wherever you are. Wherever I was. Even if that meant in the pit of depression and anger, God would meet me there all I had to do was Cry out to Jesus. Although it would take months for me to do this, it later becomes an important part of my healing. Something so simple as crying out for my savior changed my life forever, again. More later.

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Jamie's Got Talent

Jamie was in the talent show at his school a few weeks ago. He used a puppet to act out and sing a song. He did great and we were very proud of his courage. Here are some pictures of the show. They are not very good because I couldn't get up close, but they are better than nothing. So here we go with "Jamie's Got Talent".