Happy Birthday Jamie and Linda!

This weekend was Jamie and Linda's 9th birthday. Can you believe it?! Just because money is tighter, this year was a scaled down party. Family and friends that are like family gathered for a party on Sunday night. The kiddos got new gameboys, lots of game stop gift certificates, money, books, and toys. They wanted a Candyland cake and I am by no means a professional, but they really liked the way the cake turned out. A good time was had by all, and we were blessed by all of the people who could make it. Here are some pictures of their big day.

Sometimes I swear I am going crazy

All of you grieving mommies out there might be able to relate to this, or maybe I am just losing my mind. It has now been two and a half years since we said goodbye to our sweet Mason. Things are a little better in terms of how I am handling grief. However, some days, out of nowhere, I will just crash and with the crying and heartache I feel like I have been transported to square one. After a long cry I usually feel better. Sometimes though, the way I can go from just fine to heart broken makes me feel a little crazy. Maybe sometimes you just have to cry.

The First Fruits of My Labor

My first big fused pieces are finished. The first one is hard to photograph because the detail didn't show as well. The main glass is streaked gray reminiscent of rain. The shiny dichroic glass symbolizes rain and water pooling. Where the water pools at the bottom there are mountains, they just didn't show as well. The second piece is done with electric blue background. The pinwheels are each different types of dichroic glass. It has been so much fun. Tomorrow I take a stained glass class. I have already mained a stained glass panel on my own, but I am looking forward to learning from professionals. Enjoy!

"Stormy Nights"




"Pleasing Pinwheels"

Happy Independence Day

Oh I love a three day weekend. It is nice to get to have some family time. Jake was bummed because it rained the whole time and he wanted to go fishing, but what can you do? My mom and sister were down from MO this year so we had a family/friend dinner and then shot some fireworks which both excites, and annoys me. I love to shoot fireworks as much as the next person, but I saw so many people who were out of work, in debt, completely broke, and/or people who usually complain about being broke spending a ton of their money on fireworks. It drives me bonkers. I am not against people buying fireworks in principle, but it annoys me very much to see people who really need that money for something else essentially blowing it up. If you are caught up on your bills, have everything you need, and are not drowning in debt, than by all means enjoy yourself. The kicker is when there are people in my neighborhood whose kids I feed because their parents went to work and left no food in the house because there was no money that week blowing up hundreds of dollars in fireworks and drinking fifty dollars worth of beer. Ugghhh!!

On that note, Jake and I did not buy any fireworks this year. I am not working and so we decided there was more important things we needed. However, my friends and family who are not in debt, nor hurting for money did buy fireworks and we had a good time watching them shoot them off. The babies did pretty good with them which surprised me. Later that night after everything had settled down, Jake and I took time to pray for our soldiers who are fighting to keep America free. We prayed for his brother who is in Iraq right now, and for his sister-in-law and nephew who are without a husband and a father right now. Thank you Jeremiah for your service to your country. Thank you Dianne for your sacrifices as Jeremiah is serving. I am reminded of the verse "Greater love hath no man than he who would lay down his life for his friend." Thank you to all of the great men and women who are serving, or have served our country-the true reason for Independence Day celebrations.

Father's Day

We had a very relaxing and fun Father's Day this year. Movies, naps, pizza and then Jamie and Linda put on a puppet show for Jake. It was called "Hogging" and it was about a frog and a dog who go to Hogwarts and learn how to share. It was very cute, although you couldn't understand what they were saying in the last part because they were giggling so much. Sorry for the picture quality, they were moving targets. All in all it was a great day for a great father. I am so blessed that God brought me such a wonderful man to be the father of my children. He is truly one of the "hands on" dads. He can be counted on to do his share of everything from diapers, to middle of the night feedings, to baths, to stories, to playtime. His kids come before anything else including games on TV, video games, sleep. whatever. What a truly good role model he is for our boys.

Father's Day may have been relaxing, but this week has not been. I have spent the week doing laundry so that I can pack for Jamie and Linda's trip. They are going to spend a week with my mom in MO next week. My mom's church does an all day Bible camp for kids and they are finally old enough to go. We will meet Saturday in Joplin and trade Jamie and Linda for my youngest sister. My mom will bring them back the following weekend. The kids have never spent this much time away from me voluntarily before. I know that they will have fun. Jamie is already excited to go four-wheeling with Grandpa and Linda wants to stay the night at Aunt Karen's. In addition to all of this I have been getting ready to have a garage sale. I literally have bin after bin of baby and kid's clothes ready to sell. Hopefully all of the work will be worth it. Next week should be a little quieter around here.

TFC Creations

I spoke in an earlier post about the glass fusing class that Kimmie, Jordan and I are taking. needless to say, we fell in love with it. We have now expanded into making bowls, plates, windchimes, tiles, jewelry pendants and stained glass pieces. Today we had the find of the century. We found not one, but two kilns on Craigslist. We now have a smaller 110 kiln, and a larger 220 kiln which is huge. We also got a ton of ceramic molds as well. Where are we going to put these you ask? Thank goodness for the new house. In the new house, half of the basement is finished including carpet, there is also a finshed room for an office. The other half is not finished and we have decided that it will make a great work room for our projects. Finally I will have room to get back to my scrapbooking as well. There are already racks down there to store our supplies and add some tables, a radio, and a few chairs and voila, you have a studio. We have already made some beautiful pieces and I am excited to see how our venture grows. We are definitely ready to kick some glass.

Guest Blogger

From the blog "A Baby Named Nathan"

Weary


Why do we fret over the unknown? Is there some unwritten law that says once you've suffered something as unspeakable as the death of a child nothing is ever supposed to feel safe again? Why is it that I can trust God with just about everything else but when it comes to the health and well-being of my loved ones I lose all hope?

I have spent the last several weeks digesting what has been happening with everything from anxiety to full fledged panic as my mainstay emotions. I have not felt one ounce of peace and I can't help but feel somehow I have distanced myself from Him. I choose worry over faith. I choose panic over peace. I do this not because I want to feel these emotions but because they somehow give me a false sense of control over the situation. I have begged, pleaded and cried for peace to wash over me but I feel it wont happen until I'm willing to let go of control. The last two weeks have been racked with such intense emotions. I may be worrying for nothing but the waiting has given my mind time to wander every possible outcome this pregnancy could have. I have seen when things don't go right. I have read other moms stories of what can happen, and I have seen tragedy strike a family more than once. I am no longer naive to how horribly wrong this could all go. If you had told me a year ago that this would be my reality I would have said; "not me, things like that don't happen to me" Not that I felt immune to such awful things but that in my mind it was so rare. And in fact the way Nathan died was rare. I am learning more and more that no one is immune, and just because you've been through the fire once doesn't mean you cant go through it again.

I can't seem to gather or rationalize a single one of my thoughts. Somedays I feel as though my head could spin right off my shoulders. I want more than anything to feel like I'm normal and not like
I'm on my way to a little white room with padded walls. I feel like I could just scream from all the thoughts running around freely in my head. Is this my new normal? Is this the reality of the rest of my life? Will I always feel this out of control of my thoughts?

This journey of grief has been a long, painful, and at times a very lonely road. I have taken a few detours here and there but for the most part I am still very much on the path I began eight months ago. There are days where I look up to see if God is holding His hand out for me, but instead I see a dark night sky reaching down to swallow me in hopelessness. There are days when I press forward that I get a glimpse of light shining through the branches that cover me on this path. It is on those days when I can raise my chin up and shut the thoughts out if only for a moment. I haven't seen one of those days in a very long time and I'm growing quite weary on my journey. Hope seems fleeting the more I press forward. Somedays I wonder why I'm even moving at all. I suppose I do it for the hope that one day I will reach a clearing in the path and the light, His light, will shine down on me.

Wow, although I have not gotten to this point in telling Mason's story, it is coming up really soon. This blog post I felt I could have written. It shows how grief is all consuming. It shows how you want so badly to let go, but just can't. What a powerful and emotional post.

Mason's story-The Aftermath Part 5

The day after Thanksgiving was Mason's funeral. We had a dear family friend keep James and Linda because we felt that they were just not emotionally prepared to deal with the funeral of their little brother. We drove to the church, and I wept on the way. I just didn't want to have to do this, I just wanted so badly to close my eyes and have it all go away. We were the first people at the church. Mason's tiny casket was at the front. We went up their and sat in front of it, I wept some more. The lady from the funeral home came over and asked if I would like her to open the casket one last time. I said no. I am not sure why, I think I was just so overwhelmed that I couldn't take anymore. I wish now I would have said yes though and that haunts me sometimes.

We walked up to and placed our hands on his casket. We both prayed silently for Mason and for strength to endure. My family began to arrive. I can't remember what happened after that, the next thing I remember is being seated and the first song we selected began. The song is titled "Cry out to Jesus". It may seem like an odd song for a funeral, but we knew that there would be unsaved people at the funeral and we wanted to show them that even though we were broken, we still had faith. We wanted them to wonder how they could have that too. Later in the story I will not be so strong when tested. There was one line in particular that seemed like it was sang for us. I am not going to type the whole song, just the parts that spoke to us.

For every one whose lost someone they loved
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough,
when you said goodbye. ....

There is hope for the helpless,
rest for the weary,
and love for the broken heart.

There is grace and forgiveness,
mercy and healing.
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus, oh cry out to Jesus.

The first stanza is pretty obvious on why we chose it. The refrain however spoke especially to me. Hope for the helpless, I felt so helpless when they told me what was happening. I knew I was doing everything I could do, and it still wasn't enough.

Rest for the Weary. I was tired in every way a person could be tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his precious face. In my sleep I had viscous night terrors about the trauma. I was exhausted to a level I have never been to this day.

Love for the broken heart. When something like this happens, you truly feel like you will never be able to be happy again. Love is happiness. You have to allow your broken heart to feel again to be happy.

Grace and forgiveness. Every mother I have ever talked to who has gone through a loss related to IC feels partly, or wholly responsible. It is our jobs to protect our babies, and to have a perfect baby pass away because your body did not do its job leave you with a profound feeling of guilt and failure.

Mercy and healing. I needed to accept God's mercy before I could forgive myself and begin to heal.

He'll meet you wherever you are. Wherever I was. Even if that meant in the pit of depression and anger, God would meet me there all I had to do was Cry out to Jesus. Although it would take months for me to do this, it later becomes an important part of my healing. Something so simple as crying out for my savior changed my life forever, again. More later.

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Jamie's Got Talent

Jamie was in the talent show at his school a few weeks ago. He used a puppet to act out and sing a song. He did great and we were very proud of his courage. Here are some pictures of the show. They are not very good because I couldn't get up close, but they are better than nothing. So here we go with "Jamie's Got Talent".

Sneak Peek

Hopefully soon we will sign the contract for the new house. We were going to do it this past weekend, but Jamie's ER trip among other things got in the way. There was some stuff in the garage that we were able to go through and take what we wanted. We got some really cool vintage Fisher Price toys for kiddos. Thanks Pat, they love them! We are also taking big items like our pool table over there to make room for packing in our basement. I am not posting pics of the house itself until the contract is signed because I am afraid of jinxing it, but here is a sneak peek of our new backyard. =) Enjoy, I hope to post actual pics of the house soon.

More Geocaching Pictures

Geocaching

Kimmie and I decided to try geocahing. It is like a treasure hunt, but you use a GPS to find the coordinates and lead you to it. Once you have the location, you have to look for the hidden box containing small items. If you take an item, you have to leave an item. It is a lot of fun because you never know what you will find. We went looking at High park recently. Jake, Jordan and the kids went with us. The babies had fun just being able to run around, and Jamie and Linda had fun looking. I realized later I did not get any pictures of Linda because she lost interest and was all the way away from us by the van after awhile. But here are the pictures I did get.

I Wonder

Jake and I watched a movie this weekend about someone who dies, but is still watching and protecting her family. Towards the end of the movie, Mina woke up and I rocked her back to sleep. As she lay sleeping in my arms, my mind began to wonder. I wonder if Mason is watching over his family? Is he amazed at his little brother and how much he looks like him? Is he touched when his big brother draws a picture of his family and there is Mason sitting on a cloud in the picture? Does he laugh when his big sister tells me Mason would like a pink flower on his headstone? Does he look at his little sister and be stunned by how beautiful a little girl she is? And finally, does he look down at his mom and dad and know how much we love and miss him? I really like to hope so. I still have the joy of knowing we will be reunited again, but until that day I will always be wondering.

Noah Rocks Out

Aunt Kimmie came over yesterday and was holding Noah. She finally decided he had hair now to play with. She rocked him out and it was the cutest thing! So I present:


"Noah's New Do"

Chance Made us Sisters. Hearts Made us Friends.

Today I got a box in the mail from Hawaii. I get really excited when I get these boxes because there is always something cool in there. It can be anything from a book Dianne read and thought I would like, to clothes for the babies, to gifts for Jamie and Linda, and even some little army hot wheels tanks that Jeremiah sent for Mason's headstone. Today was the best box of all.

I opened the box to find a Willow Tree box. For those of you not familiar with Willow Tree, they are very unique and gorgeous figurines. I was intrigued. After about 20 minutes trying to get through all of the tape and bubble wrap I finally got it out. It is a figurine of an angel gently holding a baby's hands helping him to walk. I cried. When I recovered I called Dianne to tell her thank you. She explained that she picked it because the angel reminded her of my Aunt Jill, and the baby of course, of my Mason. I cried more. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful friend who truly gets me and will always be there to remember the things that are important to me. In fact that is what she said, that she will always remember them. I am so glad my brother-in-law has such good taste. Dianne, you are truly a blessing to me and I love and miss you so much. Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift. It is beautiful, but it is the thought that counts for everything.

The Beautiful Gift

Job Hunt

Just a short blog to say thank you for all of your support on the job front. While I was not too eager to return to work after getting to be home with the kids, I knew that after a year, I couldn't stay on umemployment forever. A job doing what I did at my former employer came open at a bigger local company so I applied. It was the first job I was excited to interview for. Nothing is set in stone, but it appears a job offer is on the horizon. Not only will it have better insurance than I had before, but it looks like it might come with a signifigant pay raise over what I made before. I had never made as much money as I did in my previous job, so the potential to top that is amazing to me. This will help so much and put us one step closer to my " debt free in 5 years" plan. I should know something definite by next week.

If that wasn't enough excitement, we seem to be making great progress on the house. The contractor has to come in and do a few touch ups, but progress is moving. How exciting is life right now?!

Happy Mother's Day

Today is mother's day and I am thinking about all of the mother's out there. Happy Mother's Day to all of the mother's in the family. Some of you are the most amazing women and I am blessed to know you. I am especially thinking and praying for all of the angel mommies out there. I hope you have a peaceful mother's day today and I am praying for hope and comfort for all of you. Also a very happy 20th birthday to my little sister Karen, I love you so much!

Another Update Blog

I have got to stop taking so long between posts because I am getting tired of only posting update blogs. Jake was doing better post-surgery. However, last night he was on the floor and went to get up and felt a ripping pain near his incision again. Now he is having intense pain and a bulge there. He sees the doctor this afternoon to see what is going on. I have been cleared to resume all normal activity following my hysterectomy. I can honestly say I don't think I have ever felt better in my life. I have more energy and no bleeding and no pain. It is so nice. I am so glad we chose that option. I talk to someone who is on their cycle and feel relief that I never have to go through that again. I have heard really good news on the job front and it looks like I could be back at work soon. I am sad to leave the babies, but glad to pay some bills. Kimmie and I have hit some really good garage sales and have gotten lots of cool toys and nice clothes for the kids. We have also made signifigant progress on our art. We hope to begin selling some pieces soon. Some have definitly come out better than others, but there is a learning curve. We have seen the contract for the house, but nothing signed yet. You can't rush God or His plans. If it is His plan it will happen, if not, we will be fine. That is all for now, I hope to resume regular blogging soon.